I Quit My Job. I Quit. My Job
54 weeks ago I moved to Columbus, Ohio.
54 weeks ago I waved the white flag on one life and began another.
54 weeks ago I had no idea that the only way out was through.
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The lounge 93' sofa. Microfiber. Navy blue. 3 1/2 feet deep. The perfect sofa. THE sofa. The single piece of furniture I dreamed of, pinned on pinterest, talked about for years, wanted, needed. It was my "I've made it" symbol. After accepting my job I drove to Crate and Barrel and promptly special ordered my dream sofa. It would arrive custom made 13 weeks later. They gave me a swatch of the magnificent navy blue fabric, I showed it to everyone, "Look! Feel! Isn't it amazing?!". I still remember the day it arrived, early on a Saturday morning. I leaped out of bed when the delivery men called. I watched them bring it into my apartment, unwrap it. I meticulously inspected every inch. Perfection.The second they left I threw myself on top of that sofa - "made it".
Today that couch sits in a storage facility, along with the rest of my belongings. My dream king size bed with the pillowtop mattress - so soft, providing an actual perfect night's sleep, it's propped up against the cold aluminum wall. It turns out things are just that. Money doesn't buy happiness, it buys comfort, you gotta bring your own happiness. 54 weeks ago the fractured version of myself wasn't enough to make that couch fulfill my dreams, it wasn't enough to fill the emptiness, fix the broken parts. It was, however, an amazing place to land and a place I would spend the past year trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing, what I wanted.
I've spent the majority of my adult life trying different versions of happiness - most of them determined by society and those around me. I climbed the corporate ladder, I had a house, I had a serious boyfriend, I made meal plans, decorated for Christmas, and made snacks for the guys on football Sunday's. I took a job for money. I checked all of the life boxes I was "supposed" to check. At various times all of these things provided me with fulfillment, but none of them proved a sustainable model. There was always an internal struggle, a war brewing underneath the surface, "why can't I just be happy with this? Why is this not enough? Be happy. Try harder." So try harder is what I did.
Two years ago when I was going through my yoga teacher training a woman came in to speak. She'd gone to college for accounting and worked in finance. She realized she wasn't happy and decided it was because she wasn't smart enough, so she went back to school for her master's. She realized she still wasn't happy and figured she should go back for her PhD. One day she asked a fellow colleague, "when will I be happy here?". He went, "look around, no one is happy here". She quit her job. She took an hourly job selling yoga pants, avoided former colleagues and tried not speaking to her father who in no way understood her life choices. A few years later she was making the same money, had been married to a man 4 years she'd only known 4 months and her father said, "you look so much happier now". I sat there listening to her story entranced, "I want that". Then immediately, "no. I do not. no. stop it." I'd worked so hard at my career. I was good at it. I had so much pride in telling people what I did. I had things to show for it. I had built a life. I couldn't give that up. I decided I needed to try harder at my job, dig deeper, work longer hours, focus.
8 months later as I was deciding to move out of the house my ex and I shared I was recruited by a company. Could I end a professional and a personal relationship all in one year? They offered me so much, everything I'd worked towards the previous 7 years. Given I was always so good at work it seemed a logical next step. The guy I was dating at the time looked at me, "Whitney, this is it, you will never make less money than this". I remember cringing, would I be able to do what it took to never make less money than that? Was I okay with whatever that meant? His goal (and numerous friends of mine) was to make 6 figures by the time he turned 30. Should that be my goal? It never had been, shit, maybe it should be? I thought of the yoga girl. I thought of her happiness. I thought of her passion. And as quickly as I thought about her, I pushed her aside - "stop it. knock it off. this is it. this is the moment". So I chose money. I took the job. I made "6 figures by 30" my goal. I could do it....I could....yes?...right?
On New Years Day I stood on the beach in Malibu, California after a night I barely remembered looking at that same guy and I said, "I just want to rent a room from someone and teach yoga". He just looked at me. He was worn out. So was I. I was losing my grip on the reality I was desperately trying to make work. After returning to Ohio I threw myself on my beautiful navy blue sofa. Yes, I can do this. Focus. Try harder. I went back to work, determined to get lost in learning a new business, a new city. A couple months later I would visit that guy in San Francisco. The trip would be strained and difficult and he would tell me "I don't want to do this anymore". Me either. I called a business friend of mine and said "I want to go be a sales associate and teach yoga. I need out". He would call me a couple weeks later when I was back in Ohio, "do you still want that sales job?", "what? No. I can't do that. That's crazy". I decided I wasn't trying hard enough. I was giving up. I emailed my boss that I wanted to recommit myself to the business and cross train in different areas. I realized I obviously just needed to learn more.
I started dating someone. The feelings were real, the timing was not. He was incredible. He was also an incredible distraction. If I looked at him then I didn't have to look at that. I didn't have to look my reality. I didn't have to look at the life I had built that I was detesting more and more each day. Eventually working hard wasn't working hard enough. I went on an anti anxiety medication. I survived my father walking out on me and a 10 year eating disorder never having to take medication, but trying to live up to other people's expectation of happiness was doing me in. Not too long after a friend of mine started telling me about their toxic relationship. It was as if someone slapped me awake. I realized I too was in a toxic relationship - my job. I went to my roof on one of the few clear nights I had in Ohio. I looked up, took a deep breath and knew - I can't do this anymore.
I had a trip planned to Oklahoma to visit my mom. I was terrified to tell her what I wanted to do. I was terrified to say it out loud. I thought of that woman from yoga training, but this time, instead of pushing it to the far recesses of my brain and locking it away I pulled it forward. I felt the overwhelming amount of fear and uncertainty and I leaned into it. I let it overtake me. Upon landing back in Ohio I came up with my plan. My lease was ending, I planned on moving my things into storage, I scheduled the UHaul, and I waited. I told very few people what I was about to do. I utilized the thing I've never had but have learned most this past year, these past 3 years - patience.
I have spent a lifetime trying other people's version of happiness. There have been so many moments I have thought of this, wanted it, planned for it, and then backed away. Fear is a scary place to call home. A friend once said to me, "just because I don't choose something today doesn't mean I don't want too, it just means I'm still figuring myself out and am not ready". At the time I found it a cowardly comment. Today I find it a factual reality. Timing is everything. Perhaps because this is all so outside my comfort zone my brain can't even wrap itself around it enough to be scared. Perhaps I'll have the "what the fuck did I just do" moment, but I'm hoping it's the brief moment between Dream On and Walk This Way on my roadtrip playlist. F. Scott Fitzgerald was quoted as saying, "I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again". Today I choose this. Today I am finally ready.
Dream couch: $1600
Dream bed: $2000
Chasing dreams: Priceless
3 years. 2000 miles. 1 failed relationship. Endless determination. I can go anywhere and be anyone. It's always been on my bucket list to drive solo from one side of the country to the other. So that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm so close to being the version of myself I've always wanted to be and never even knew it. The obvious joke being if I get pulled over and the officer asks for my address I will respond, "you're looking at it"......
And to everyone who is wondering where I'm going,
I will give the same answer I gave to my boss when I told her I was quitting,
"to be happy".
