Road Trip Diaries: Free falling
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I’d tried in Ohio – tried to like it, tried to enjoy it. What would have happened if I’d shown up with an open mind and an open heart?
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Exactly two years ago I was about to embark on a cross-country road trip. I packed my belongings into the U-Haul. I left a place I didn’t want to leave. I left a life I no longer had, a fact I hadn’t yet come to terms with. The night before I went to sleep with tears in my eyes - tears of defeat, tears of sadness, tears of anger. I didn’t want to go to Ohio. At all.
My first day of orientation I sat there – wide-eyed and participatory – trying to pretend I liked it. Trying to pretend I liked the choice I had made to get myself there. But as the days passed by, faking it became an option I rarely utilized. I’d find myself checking Facebook and seeing my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend – so happy, so content with their life in Dallas. How come I was the one who wanted the break up, I was the one who initiated it, and I was the one who couldn’t get my act together and move on?
Taking a relocation package is a lot like becoming an indentured servant. Leave and you owe money; stay and you owe your soul. I didn’t want to pay either of them. I still remember when my boss pulled me aside for one of our monthly chats and told me I had made the choice to move to Ohio and I needed to start acting happier, that people were noticing. I wanted to yell “FUUUUUCK YOOOOOOU”. Instead I just sat there and nodded, forcing a half smile onto my emotionless face.
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What if I had tried to like it? What if I had tried to enjoy it? That was never an option. I wasn’t supposed to like it. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. I was supposed to survive it. I was supposed to sit in sadness and figure out what the fuck I wanted. I was supposed to transition from the life I had to the life I wanted. If there had been a shortcut, trust that I would have taken it. But there wasn’t. I had to find the balance between good work performance and my sub-par attitude. Some days I excelled at this, others I failed miserably. I think the most difficult thing in the world is enduring – enduring sadness, enduring pain – not being able to just get up and throw the middle finger and leave.
What if I had tried? Tried to like it? Tried to enjoy it? I may not have left. If I hadn’t left I wouldn’t have put all my belongings in storage. If I hadn’t left I wouldn’t have embarked on my biggest life experiment to date – Can I be okay as is? Without things or a title to distract?
Exactly one year ago I embarked on a road trip of a different kind. I packed up my car with what would fit and drove solo from east coast to west. There were no tears before I left, just anxiety as to what I would discover when none of my other defenses were in place (job, money, things). It was by no means an easy year. I ran short on sleep and money for the majority of it. But with each setback I learned something, and with each lesson I got closer to the person I wanted to become. Overtime, without me even noticing, I transitioned from the person I had been to the person I wanted to be.
Now I find myself on another road trip, in another U-Haul, this time heading west. This time the night before I left there were no tears, there was no anxiety. There was no gut feeling telling me to run. There was ease to the effort, a calm after the storm, and 8 hours of sound sleep.
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What if I’d tried? Tried to like Ohio? Tried to enjoy it? Tried.
I might have never left. If I’d never left I would have never moved to San Francisco. I would have never met the man who complements me in the best possible way. I wouldn’t have found a job I love. I would have never known who I am without a title and stuff. I wouldn’t know that I am enough – as is.
I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be free. And freedom is fucking priceless.
As I drive through New Mexico and the mountains lead me to Colorado, which will fade into Utah, I take a deep breath. My shoulders relax down my back. I approach this next life chapter with that open heart and open mind I was unable to find three years ago. I approach this next life chapter knowing I am enough.
As is.
