Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

These days life has rapidly sped up and significantly slowed down. I find myself thinking of you more. I find myself thinking of our time together. How are you? What are you doing? Are you happy? Do you ever think of me?

I think back to you cooking me dinner, the look in your eye. You were happy. I was happy watching you methodically chop, pour, peel, and saute. You knew how to do everything but you still let me help, your way of making me feel included. I lived for moments like this, the moments you let your shoulders relax, you set down the burden you were carrying, and you let happiness sneak it's way in - even if only momentarily.  I think back to sitting on the sofa and watching our favorite tv show, the jokes only we got - we always did share the same sense of humor. You'd put your arm around me and I got to set down the burden I was carrying, I got to feel safe - even if only momentarily.

You loved the night so I learned to stay up late. I learned to find solace in the darkness. It seemed to be the only time you could be yourself. Sometimes I would watch you sleep, wondering if your dreams provided a release, wondering if you were free there.

You always had a way of making me feel like the only girl in the room, the most important, the most valued, as if no one else mattered. But then there were the other moments, the moments you needed to retreat, be alone, leave me wondering when I'd get you all to myself again. I always knew it was me against the world. I always knew the second we were together the hour glass was turned over and time was counting backwards. I used to hate this, I used to panic. I used to beg for more time and fight you in the final seconds. I used to cling and claw and beg. We would fight. You would push and I would pull. You would tell me there were things I couldn't know. I would do my best to decipher the code, always knowing I would fail.

You made me your best friend and your worst enemy. You built me up to tear me down, always leaving me wondering where I stood, always leaving me fighting to do better, to be better.  I spent so much time thinking if I just did one more thing then maybe you would stay, maybe you wouldn't leave me. I spent so much time wishing you would let me in, let me be the one to really see who you are, I promise I'll accept it. I promise I'll keep your secrets.

But these days, as everything has rapidly sped up and significantly slowed down I think of you and smile. I hope you do the same. I am doing well and in part this is due to you. Your cryptic communication taught me to pay attention - details matter.  Your temporary presence taught me to always be self-sufficient. The sadness is my heart fueled my empathy towards others. Your love of the night ensured I can now survive on little sleep. Your momentary releases taught me to appreciate genuine encounters - they are rare in life. 

We were not meant to be together.  We were not meant for endless birthdays and Christmas's. We were not destined for a lifetime of memories. I was never going to see who you really are, but I think you let me in more than most, or maybe anyone.  I appreciate that.  Our time was meant to be a passing of two souls.  You taught me that there is always an ending, but never to assume I know what it is or when it is coming. You taught me to appreciate every.single.fucking.moment.

From my journey one way, to your journey another I hope you know I am thinking of you. I hope you know I will always love you.

Happy birthday, to my father.