Fear and Loathing in Ohio
"You know you are one of my biggest inspirations. I admire you so much... Even all the craziness. You have so much of everything it is intoxicating/addictive. You make me want to be better. No fear....
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I didn't set out to be anyone's inspiration, but I do love that a side effect of my life's choices is proving to someone that this is possible. My worst day here is better than my best day there. It's scary. It's challenging. It's hard. But it's worth it. I'm the jump into the deep end of the pool girl. I don't think if I know how to swim, I just know I cannot drown, I will not drown.
I dumbfounded everyone when I moved from Dallas to Ohio. The guy I was dating at the time was moving to Austin. People would start to ask us where we were going and I would quickly interrupt and start talking about him moving to the "cool city", the city where he was going to go play music and do stuff, see stuff, be someone. It was always met with "oooh that's so cool!". Then they would look at me. I would roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders. Somehow saying "I'm running away to A city, to A city that's just not this one" didn't seem as cool. He once looked at me and said "I don't like when you say where I'm moving, as if this is a competition". I rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders. It was wasn't it? And I was losing.
The moment I arrived in Ohio I was angry. I was angry at the place - "why is there no Mexican food?!?", the people - "it's Gee-vahhhhhn-shee", and myself - "where in the hell am I?!". I would spend the better part of 6 months fighting everything about that place. I would spend the better part of 6 months fighting myself. But then slowly I would realize that there was great farm to table food, that Givenchy is just a label, and that where I was was exactly where I needed to be. I would stop fighting and I would start surrendering.
I never miss Ohio, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of it and smile. Ohio was never my home, but it was my safe house. It was a place that allowed me to think, to be sad, mad, and reflective. It was a place that allowed me to mourn my old life and build a new one. It was my living purgatory that equipped me to pass on with a lighter load and a happier heart.
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I quit my job one month ago. It was the most liberating day of my life. The deep end of the pool isn't so scary. The challenging days don't mean bad days. Ohio or Austin or somewhere in between - there is no losing.
My worst day here is better than my best day there....Be better. Have no fear. Or have a lot, and keep going. Always keep going. Everything I've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.........
including the guacamole.