If my body is my temple, I must really dislike temples.

"Would you allow someone else to shove their fingers down your throat?" - A question from my therapist when I was in college (insert eye roll as my answer)

-------------

Yesterday I was hiking along the coast of the Pacific ocean. I deliberately stopped every 50 feet or so to take it all in, look around, breathe in the fresh air, and more importantly assess how I felt. Did I feel winded? Was I tired? Did I want to sit down or worse yet, give up? The answer to all of these questions was no. My bones were solid as they carried me up the steep hills. My breathing was steady and calm. My feet were secure in my athletic shoes. I felt strong…invincible. 

Recently I've utilized a lot of valuable thoughts thinking of the 10-15 pounds of weight I gained over the Ohio winter and kept on due to the unhappiness and stress. I've looked at myself in every unflattering angle. I've berated myself and self-loathed, "If I was thinner I could do that better", "If I was thinner this would be more fun", "maybe when I'm thinner I'll buy that". Really if I was thinner the only thing I would do is fit into a smaller size.  I can run, I can do yoga, I can hike steep hills for hours at a time, I have authentic friendships, I have no difficulty getting a date - "Whitney you're turning guys down at this point, can't say they seem to notice a few pound weight gain?". My response is the ludicrous "oh they're just being nice". Random men? Being randomly nice just because they feel bad for the not so fat fat girl? Wrong.  So why am I so hard on myself? Why am I bringing back the risk/reward system tied to every pound I carry on my body?

I have been my body's worst enemy. I have starved her, I have forced food into her and then forced it out. I have put her under people who didn't matter and made her sit next to people who shouldn't count. I have told her to ignore gut instincts and put her in situations that weren't safe or comfortable.  I have put harmful substances in her, always testing the limits. In return she has held me up. She has confronted people who brought no value to my life. She has fought and won. She has allowed me to pretzel her into every possible shape all with the objective to bring more stillness to my life.  She has stood by me while I pushed her away. She has been my best friend while I was her worst enemy. 

I've spent a lifetime obsessed with how I looked and only a short time focusing on how I feel.  As I was hiking around yesterday breathing in the fresh air, step after step, steep hill after steep hill,  I felt calm. In a time in the world with so much violence, so much hatred, I cannot afford to be my own worst enemy. I cannot allow myself to be my own worst enemy. Self love is the only protection I am guaranteed. It isn't about the pretzel pose, it isn't about how far into the splits I can get, or the minute I spend for that perfect instagram photo. It is about how I treat myself the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day. It is about being aware and forgiving of myself. It is about not doing things to myself I would never allow others to do. 

I should find that therapists number, apologize for the prepubescent eye roll and the fact that it took me 9 years to grasp this concept. 

I am a slow learner in the emotional classroom, but my body is a stellar student.

My body is strong. I am strong.