a successful failure
I am so fucking tired.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
so.fucking.tired.
-------------------
Tonight I assisted two yoga classes back to back. This was after having worked an 8 hour day, sat on a bus for an hour, and I didn't have enough time to go home between work and class so I had to schlep all my belongings from place to place. As I went student to student I could feel the piercing pain behind my temples, permeating every part of my frontal lobe. I was fighting the impending migraine with everything I had, but unfortunately there wasn't a lot left in me. One girl was in dolphin pose, trying hard to come into forearm stand but her body wasn't ready. I crouched down next to her and placed my finger in front of her toes, encouraging her to step forward just slightly, then I moved my finger up, she moved up one more teeny tiny step. I could tell she was tired too and didn't really want to be putting forth this much effort, but she had the strength, she could do it. The next time through the flow I looked back at her and watched her move her toes two tiny steps forward to the spot my finger had been. I smiled. Momentary relief from the pain, a permanent reminder of why I am doing this.
Most days I leave my apartment when it's still dark and return home long after the sun has gone down. I sold my car (it was either car or apartment and the US Postal Service doesn't accept "car" as a forwarding address) so I take the bus to work which on great days takes 25 minutes and on others 45, I work 40 hours and assist yoga another 10 or more a week. On my best days I'm tired but fulfilled, on my worst I'm one giant fucking failure. Did I help anyone at work today? I should have talked to her more. I should taken charge more on that project. I need to work on my yoga practice, why can I not hold forearm stand longer?. When was the last time I created a new recipe? I need to cook more. Fuck when did I even go to the grocery store last?! I want to talk to my girlfriends in Dallas but with the time difference, my work schedule, and 100 other things a text here and there is about the best I can do. Why am I such a bad friend? I should create my 1 year goals, my 5 year goals, 10....20.
The other night at 1 am I was doing laundry and between loads working on handstand prep against my wall. I want to teach private yoga sessions next year, really brand my yoga business, and so I decided I should be able to do all of the "hard poses" - "who's going to want to take yoga from a teacher who can't do all the poses?!?". I attached self worth and value to a yoga pose - the very thing I teach students not to do, I was doing....and at 1 am. People ask me why I don't write more, then I realize I should so every free moment is spent trying to write via notes on my iphone. This usually ends in me deleting the note because I start with something purposeful and end up with my grocery list. And round and round the hamster wheel goes.
Three weeks before I left Ohio I met a guy. Our first date he asked me "so why are you doing this?" (this being moving and leaving my entire life to start a new one). I thought for a minute and then looked at him and said "to be a better human". He would go on tell me he had been diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, time wasn't on his side. He told me he wished I wasn't moving, we had only just met. I smiled and said "oh but meeting you has only further shown me I'm doing the right thing". Time is the thing no one is guaranteed and everyone takes for granted. I was choosing to no longer assume I had infinite days to live the life I wanted. I want to get what I can, while I can, from whom I can.
-------------------
Today I am so fucking tired. It would be so easy to give up. So easy to go back to the routine, go back to the 9 to 5 with the lunch at noon. I got weekends off, I got 3 weeks vacation. I knew my job. I showed up. I did it. I went home. Show up. Do job. Go home. Show up. Do job. Go home. Rinse and repeat. But I can't go back. Not now, maybe not ever.
In the moments when the tape is playing on repeat - "you're a neglectful friend, a poor yogi, a non-expert yoga teacher, a failing employee, a subpar writer, a bad boss, an unproductive human" I put my head phones in, shut my eyes, and ask myself one question "if tomorrow is a gift I do not get to receive, would today have been enough?".
I have become a yoga instructor all without nailing handstand. I have amazing friends who I could not talk to for weeks on end, but would be there for me in a minute. I'm lucky enough to have people who will read what I write even if it's a week between posts. I have a lot of things I want to do and I a lot of places I want to go, and I'll get there. But if I don't, I got here.
Tonight a student reminded me it's not all about the end goal, sometimes it's just about showing up, sometimes it's just about trying my best......
......sometimes it's about just taking two tiny steps forward.
Today I helped a student. In doing so I helped myself. Today was enough. Momentary relief from the pain. And a permanent reminder of why I am doing this.