30 Things I've Learned: #30
-Break your own fucking rules.
I was pescatarian for 11 years. Then one day I ate some meat. I don't remember the exact circumstances of when but I do remember the why - curiosity. My decision to not eat meat wasn't based off a platform to save the animals (although I do love them), it was based off a graduation requirement in high school. I had to volunteer, so I chose to spend my time with a woman who was quadriplegic. Before her accident she loved to cook and was an active PETA member, her cause in life was to save the animals. She'd been vegetarian, something which I knew nothing about. My sympathy towards her situation was enormous, but my understanding of who she was was lacking. I still remember going home and telling my mom I was not going to eat meat anymore. I remember thinking how much I was going to miss general gso's chicken. I had no idea then that my decision would stick for 11 years.
Awhile back I started wondering why I remained vegetarian? What food was I missing? What was my reasoning? Was I choosing to not eat meat just because it was a rule I placed upon myself?
After my 5 year relationship ended I spent over a year dating someone who I would classify as an extremist. When I met him he'd given up everything - meat, coffee, medicine (even advil), sex, drugs, you name it and he'd probably sworn off it, for one year. I was fascinated. He then spent the next year indulging in all of the things he'd given up. I was even more fascinated. He swung between vegan to carnivore numerous times throughout our time together. He'd drink to excess and then not drink at all. I could never quite keep up. I never knew the rules and I desperately wanted to know them. He used to always say to me "relax, why can't you just relax? You're always so far ahead of the moment". To which I'd immediately think (in a very dignified manner), "I've been vegetarian for 11 YEARS! I make choices and stick with them!". Oh god. Was I sticking to my vegetarianism as some moral precedent for which I was better than others? Was I using it as bragging rights to proclaim victory of not giving in to....to what?! I sat in the Eiffel Tower on my 21st birthday eating a plate of vegetables as others ate some meat entree and I smiled sanctimoniously - look at me and my plant eating self. What the fuck?
Sometime after my moral highground epiphany, I started eating meat. I don't do it all that often, but if I see something phenomenol on a menu or I'm at a place "known" for their ribs or hamburger I'm damn sure going to try it. When my mom and I were in Thailand we ate at the #1 restaurant in Asia and the #10 restaurant in the world. We said we'd take the tasting menu. A short while later a group of women came in and ordered the vegetarian menu. I watched the waiters roll their eyes as they walked away. For a second I felt a pang of guilt "oh gosh, that should be me...I held on for so long". One bite into the pork belly and I was so fucking thankful I got off my soap box. I too rolled my eyes at those women "good luck with the green beans".
Dating someone who is an "extremist" taught me many things. One of them being that I also fell into that category. He wanted me until he didn't and he liked me until he didn't. We are still friends and when he tells me about his latest "thing" I occasionally feel that all too familiar anxiety twitch, "but wait, what about that other thing??" But really I just smile. He taught me how to break my own rules. He taught me that some rules, a lot actually, are meant to be broken. I learned I have restraint, 11 years worth, but that having a rule just for the sake of having a rule is pointless and restricting - in the worst of ways. Without him I'd still be eating a plate of vegetables at a world class restaurant. I wouldn't know the feeling of fat melting off a impeccably cooked piece of porkbelly in my mouth. I wouldn't know the pleasure that comes with biting into a flawlessly cooked burger layered with thinly sliced cheese and thickly cut bacon. I wouldn't know the fun of having bbq sauce smeared halfway up my face from biting into a rack of Texas ribs.
I don't eat meat all that often and I rarely order it. But then sometimes I do. People will ask "wait, I thought you were vegetarian? Or wait you eat fish? But hold on, that's pork?". I used to try and explain, to apologize even "well today...umm...yah...this is just something I've never had, so just this once.....oh well....".
But now, now I just smile, nod "sure, today I eat meat. Catch me tomorrow though, who knows!". And really....I just don't fucking care anymore.
Rules. Make them. Break them. Eat the vegetables. Smear the sauce on your face. Be your own extremist - in the best possible way.