To Dallas with Love

I sometimes wish I were simple. I wish staying in one place, having a house, close friends and a 9 to 5 job, was enough for me. At one time I thought it was. At one time I dare say I was almost, "simple". I would look at my life and wish it was my forever. And I held on as long as I could with the knowledge that the moment I stepped out of my Truman show (see the movie) existence my life would cease to be routine or predictable. I knew the moment I let go I was stepping out of a controlled environment. Scary. Terrifying.

It has been nearly two years since I drove my Uhaul away from Dallas, Texas. I've been back countless times and I always seem to find my way back before a big life change - now is no exception. As I sit on my sisters couch hearing my nieces laughing outside I feel at ease. I feel relaxed. I wonder what it would be like to stay. But this place has powerful memories over me. There isn't a restaurant or street or bar that doesn't evoke a person, a moment in time - good and bad. I spent my childhood in Oklahoma, but I grew up in Dallas. This place will always be my home. It will always ground me - be my homebase. But I cannot stay. I do not want to stay.

This has been one of my best trips to date. I've done yoga everyday but one. I've gone to my favorite studios and practiced next to my favorite teacher. I've seen my girlfriends, I've gone to my best-loved restaurants, I went to Oklahoma for a couple of days, I've laughed with my nieces who run to hug me now. And when their tiny arms are wrapped around my legs and they look up and me and say "I wuv you aunt whinnie" I find my mind trailing off and wishing I was that simple girl. Wishing that this was enough, that I could stay and be content with life.

But I did stay, for a long time.  It was an amazing time and I would not be where I am today without all of it. A former significant other once said to me, "even if you fixed you, you wouldn't fix me". But I don't actually want to fix me. Being the "simple girl" sounds easy and much less complicated, but that's not who I am. Who I am is complex and full of curiosity and interest. Who I am is the person who is using my entire life as a classroom.

I know the moment I board that airplane tomorrow I am stepping out of a controlled environment. It is no longer terrifying. It is liberating and freeing, it is equal parts scary and rewarding. It is stressful and challenging, but it is a constant learning experience.  It is my restless soul syndrome carrying me through life. 

Quite simply, it is....who I am.

Dallas, Texas - my home. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of it and the people who occupy my heart. It fills the same space those simple girl thoughts used to live in. But I have so much more to learn. I have to much more to experience. Tomorrow I will board that airplane, leave my home....and step back inside my classroom.

Until then, I'm going to go get more "wuv hugs for aunt whinnie".