Goodbye Neverland, take care of the lost boys
A guy I dated compared San Francisco to Neverland - the place where no one has to grow up, a place of fantasy and mystery, a playground for the adult children never quite knowing where to find their place in the world. At one of my early staff meetings we all had to go around and say what we loved about San Francisco, a male leader said "it's so magical and enticing, it's like Neverland, no one has to grow up". Perhaps everyone here suffered from Peter Pan syndrome.
I used to argue with my significant others reference to Neverland, always urging him to grow up. Being an adult isn't so bad - a notion he completely rejected. He wanted laughter and silliness, drugs and fantasy. He was married and dating me - an open relationship that never quite got off the ground. When I moved to SF I was curious about his lifestyle, curious about what he saw in this place, curious if I'd adopt the same childlike whimsy. When my male counterpart seconded the Neverland notion, my curiosity went up exponentially. If never growing up was an option, would I choose that?
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I've lived in SF for 10 months. I've been to a porn studio, a naked bath house, I've watched people walk from bridge to bay naked, I've seen men masturbate on the street and watched women search for a husband only to find a good night. It is a city of extreme wealth and intense homelessness. It is a city full of ambition and people ready to step in line should one be so unfortunate enough to step out. The next great idea lurking behind the fraying edges of insecurity. There is a duality to the city that is ever present for anyone here longer than a vacation. It is a bustling metropolis of ambition and intellect by day and by night it is quiet and sleepy - kind of; anything lively happening behind warehouse doors and unmarked signs. The oceans are calm but too cold to swim in. The Golden Gate bridge is listed in Frommer's as one of the most beautiful bridges in the world, yet is is also the #2 bridge for suicide. The duality of this place is never far from sight, if one knows where to look. But the magic of this place is unmistakable.
I have wanted to live in California since I was 19 years old. I dreamed of what it would be like, always Imagining it better than my present circumstance. I envisioned Los Angeles and it ended up San Francisco. I wouldn't change a thing. I thought I'd stay for years, but that's the thing about dreams. They change. I changed. But the people I have met and the lessons I have learned are invaluable. Amidst the chaos and the calm, the crazy and the weird, I became my most authentic self. San Francisco is a place known for acceptance. It is a place where people come to express themselves in their truest form. It is a halfway house for those transitioning from who they were to who they want to be. I was no exception.
I'm still not sure if I want to grow up, but I do want to grow. So it's time for me to leave the place where fairytales are reality and Peter Pan is hiding in plain sight. It is time for me to step back into adulthood. Two years ago I left a life to enter a life timeout. The boulevard of broken dreams was a long one and I walked every inch of it. Ten months ago I decided to give myself a second chance and I embarked on my California spring break. It hasn't always been easy or fun but it's been filled with a hell of a lot of memories. And now I'm set to embark on adulting 2.0. A new journey. A new adventure.
I needed this place. I needed these people. It was never going to be permanent, but it will always be remembered.
Goodbye San Francisco....take care of the lost boys.