Homesick

I'm homesick for a home I don't even have. I yearn for familiarity. I want a place to set my feet that is comfortable and warm.


I have lived in 4 states and 3 time zones in 2 years. I have put in 7 change of address forms in 11 months. When trips end and everyone says "I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed" I am reminded that I haven't slept in my own bed in over a year. I am transient. I am nomadic. I am a wanderer. I have another rented room. Granted it's bigger and there are more Windows . The ocean has been replaced with trees and mountains. The cold sea air replaced by the warm sunlight. I'm finally getting to wear all those summer clothes the San Francisco climate didn't allow.

With all my moving one would think showing up someplace new would get easier, myself included.  I'm surprised how disorienting I still find it. I'm surprised as I unpack my belongings yet again how exhausted I am by it all. I just returned from a two day work trip and realized I didn't even know my own address, my GPS history a list of different cities and states. One girl called her boyfriend to discuss dinner plans, another called her fiancée to discuss upcoming travel plans.  I looked at my phone hoping the one person I know in this state had texted me. But no, my boyfriends job currently has him out of cell phone service so I'm on my own in this current life moment.

But there is a lesson in this.

I want to go learn the city. Find an apartment. Unpack. Do my laundry. Go grocery shopping. Try every gym. Go to the best bars. Find live music. Excel at my job. Meet people. Find friends. Start Christmas shopping. Go rock climbing. Get a yoga teaching job. I want to do it all. And I want to do it now.

But I am exhausted.
There is a lesson in this.

I spent the last 3 years trying to become this version of myself. I spent a year in Dallas full of nights out and intolerable nights in. I spent a year in Ohio hating being where I was. I spent a year in San Francisco trying to find a routine in a new routine. Now I'm where I want to be. Now I'm who I want to be. Now I get to be with who I want to be with. In 6 weeks time I get to sign a lease on a new apartment. I get to take my things out of storage. I get to move in with the love of my life. I get to try being an adult again - adulting 2.0. So what if I don't try every yoga studio Before then - maybe I'll just try one. Maybe I'll still be using my GPS to get around. Will my boyfriend care if I don't know all the best restaurants? We can go together. There's no point in starting Christmas shopping or any shopping, it'll just be more stuff to move. What's my rush in doing everything now?

I've always been in such a hurry. A hurry to grow up (I had to be), a hurry to graduate college (I did so a semester early), to get a job, to move, to move again, to do this or that. I wasn't hurrying to get a boyfriend or to leave San Francisco and both of those things are proving to be the best things that have ever happened to me.

There is a lesson in this.

Stop. Slow down. Rest. Take care of myself. The other things will happen at their own pace, in their own time. I may never live alone again. I may never be someplace new again. This space between who I was and who I am may never happen again. This moment, these next 6 weeks are the last puzzle piece in my 3 year wanderlusting journey. I need to take my time putting it into place. I need to take my time breathing in the joy and breathing out the past. I need to take my time.

I am homesick for a life I want to hurry up and get too. But first I need to sit in a silent meditation for this version of myself. I worked hard for it. I fought for it and at times wasn't sure how I'd ever get here. As much as I want to hurry and share it with others I need to recognize it for myself. I need to give myself a moment. A moment of gratitude. A moment of love.

This is the lesson.