My Mexicoma
"Hi, I'm just checking that you did not work all of last year for your previous company?"
Me: "that is correct"
"Ok I was just checking because you made substantially less money and I thought maybe I missed a W-2."
No, trust me you did not. This was a conversation I had today, staring at the beach in Mexico, with my accountant.** Shes been doing my taxes for 10 years. I'm sure she was in the midst of a "what the fuck" moment when she called. I reduced my income by more than half, believe me, it causes a lot of confusion.
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I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I'm starting to realize this will be a lifelong endeavor. In the past decade I've wanted and needed different things at different times. I've been the girl who worked for a luxury and then a mass retailing company. I've been the yoga teacher. I've gone to work in a pencil skirt and stiletto heels immaculately manicured. I've gone to work in exercise clothes. I've lived a lie, and I've also lived so deep in my truth I've gone to work with unwashed hair and no makeup on - just to see how it felt. I've made a lot of money and I've made no money. I've tried all 31 flavors hoping I would figure out my favorite only to discover one very powerful thing, I don't have one.
Along my journey of life I've learned that different things suit me at different times. I took a corporate job at 21 and was incredibly focused on the retirement and subsequent 401k matching plan. I was vehemently concerned with where I'd be at 65. I witnessed my mother start over at 50 after my parents divorce, it leaves a lasting impression. At 27 I was growing weary and wanted more money, but really I wanted an escape, I wanted a way out after a failed relationship. At 28 I was in desperate need of an alternative way of life, outside of the cubicle, outside of the corporate confines. I was single. I could do anything I wanted. So I chose to sever ties with all previous thought processes. I took a job based not on money or retirement plans. I took a job based off freedom and choice. It has served me well, but I feel the need for change inside of me. I once again know it's time.
So here I sit, at the edge of the world, where the water meets the sand. I'm once again looking for a new job, based off a whole new set of criteria, but with some combination of the past decades learnings fueling my decision. I want freedom and choice, good benefits and better vacation, and yes I want a great retirement plan. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to make more money, considerably more, but still not close to what I made before. I learned there is a certain amount of money that I have to start giving up pieces of myself, I have to start compromising my truth and reentering the lie. It's not worth it to me, in this moment, to make that choice.
I've made a lot of money and I've made a little, but in each version of life I've found myself at the edge of the world, staring at the sea. There is a point where the amount of money doesn't matter, but instead what you do with it. So I come here - to think, to feel, and to sit in silent meditation for all the places I've been and all the ones I've yet to visit.
So no, there is no missing W-2. I made this choice. I chose this life. As I transition to the next job, the next phase, I will continue to ponder what I want to be when I grow up, and who knows, maybe I'll even attempt to be whatever that is. Because for me it isn't about figuring it all out, it's about never settling.
