Stranger Encounters
There are people you meet that change the trajectory of your life - at least, that's how it's worked for me.
In college I met a man 9 years my senior who wanted to be THE guy. He wanted to be THE guy to change my perception of all men. The guy who made it all better. The guy who could protect me forever. Unfortunately he was unable to protect me against him. He wasn't a bad guy, just a conflicted one and I got caught in the crossfires of his indecisiveness. He made a choice. I wasn't it. So I made a choice to - time to start new. I moved to Dallas......
In an attempt for college guy to maintain his connection with me he introduced me to a friend of his living in Texas, told me he wanted me to "show him around". I did. We proceeded to date for the next 5 years. Perhaps he should have been more specific about what to exactly show him.....
A couple of years ago dressed in an absurd halloween costume I met a guy who would reawaken me, help me walk the yellow brick road. Unfortunately when his conflict collided with my chaos it became one messy sandbox. We still haven't reached the wizard but I'm confident we both gave each other the tools necessary to navigate the rest of the way on our own. Who knows, maybe we'll reconnect once we both arrive.
This past weekend while sitting at a bar in Haight Ashbury alone, with the sun shining down upon me listening to two girls talk about how badly they wanted a joint but didn't know where to get one (umm, it's San Francisco, how about from that man in front of us smoking a joint?) I stopped a guy exiting the bar. He was alone and looked like a native. I asked him to tell me his favorite restaurant in San Francisco. I do this to random people in all cities I visit - men and women alike. I asked him to join me if he didn't have anywhere he needed to be. This is not something I usually do, stranger encounters are usually brief ones, this turned into a few hours. A native of the Bay Area I joked he was one of those new age progressive California kids, as evident by his love of therapy and organic food and his disgust of network television and killing things. There is no white dress and alter at the ending of this story, but I could tell as I was sitting there my perception was shifting - small changes were occurring.
Now before it seems my life is only altered by men let me emphasize that women have played their part too. However, female relationships, while fascinating in their own right, are not that challenging to me. Male relationships are where the turmoil arises, the insecurities come out, the issues stare back at me in the mirror. These are the relationships that I allow to have the most impact. These are the ones, through trial and error, that I "figure things out". People say, "just be yourself". Here's the thing I've never gotten about that statement - It changes. I change. Day to day. Month to month. Yes there are things that remain constant - tequila and traveling; but sometimes I want to live in NYC, other times LA. Sometimes I want a kid, other times it's "why do they ALWAYS have sticky fingers?!?". So I put myself out there, knowing the risk, hoping for the reward. Sure I get hurt and I have often. My friends often wonder if I'm just a masochist, "why do you have to make it so hard?". I suppose that's just the only way I learn....
What happens at the end of the Wizard of Oz? I'm not sure as I've never made it through, but if all the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players, I'll let you know when I get there....
In college I met a man 9 years my senior who wanted to be THE guy. He wanted to be THE guy to change my perception of all men. The guy who made it all better. The guy who could protect me forever. Unfortunately he was unable to protect me against him. He wasn't a bad guy, just a conflicted one and I got caught in the crossfires of his indecisiveness. He made a choice. I wasn't it. So I made a choice to - time to start new. I moved to Dallas......
In an attempt for college guy to maintain his connection with me he introduced me to a friend of his living in Texas, told me he wanted me to "show him around". I did. We proceeded to date for the next 5 years. Perhaps he should have been more specific about what to exactly show him.....
A couple of years ago dressed in an absurd halloween costume I met a guy who would reawaken me, help me walk the yellow brick road. Unfortunately when his conflict collided with my chaos it became one messy sandbox. We still haven't reached the wizard but I'm confident we both gave each other the tools necessary to navigate the rest of the way on our own. Who knows, maybe we'll reconnect once we both arrive.
This past weekend while sitting at a bar in Haight Ashbury alone, with the sun shining down upon me listening to two girls talk about how badly they wanted a joint but didn't know where to get one (umm, it's San Francisco, how about from that man in front of us smoking a joint?) I stopped a guy exiting the bar. He was alone and looked like a native. I asked him to tell me his favorite restaurant in San Francisco. I do this to random people in all cities I visit - men and women alike. I asked him to join me if he didn't have anywhere he needed to be. This is not something I usually do, stranger encounters are usually brief ones, this turned into a few hours. A native of the Bay Area I joked he was one of those new age progressive California kids, as evident by his love of therapy and organic food and his disgust of network television and killing things. There is no white dress and alter at the ending of this story, but I could tell as I was sitting there my perception was shifting - small changes were occurring.
Now before it seems my life is only altered by men let me emphasize that women have played their part too. However, female relationships, while fascinating in their own right, are not that challenging to me. Male relationships are where the turmoil arises, the insecurities come out, the issues stare back at me in the mirror. These are the relationships that I allow to have the most impact. These are the ones, through trial and error, that I "figure things out". People say, "just be yourself". Here's the thing I've never gotten about that statement - It changes. I change. Day to day. Month to month. Yes there are things that remain constant - tequila and traveling; but sometimes I want to live in NYC, other times LA. Sometimes I want a kid, other times it's "why do they ALWAYS have sticky fingers?!?". So I put myself out there, knowing the risk, hoping for the reward. Sure I get hurt and I have often. My friends often wonder if I'm just a masochist, "why do you have to make it so hard?". I suppose that's just the only way I learn....
What happens at the end of the Wizard of Oz? I'm not sure as I've never made it through, but if all the worlds a stage and all the men and women merely players, I'll let you know when I get there....