The "What If" Game.....
"I never believed in soulmates, but I've never met a soul like yours."
-my college boyfriend
They say the key to love is being understood. My ex-boyfriend understood me as much as I understood myself. I hate when people breakup and they try and write off the time they spent together. My ex was the perfect person for me, at one certain point in my life; as I was for him. We’d been together a long time, had been through highs and lows, had an unspoken language of knowing what was going on with the other person. I “grew up” with him. But one day I finally understood that what he needed was someone who wasn’t me. It doesn’t diminish the time we spent together. I loved him so much, a part of me always will, but we weren’t meant to be together forever. I often wonder if society didn't tell people to get married, would they? What if people got to just love who they wanted, when they wanted, and if it didn't work they bid that person adieu, thanked them for the memories and moved on? I'm oversimplifying of course, but what if....
“I met this girl, she’s amazing. I’m thinking of having an affair with her. What are your thoughts?” My thoughts are “no, bad idea. Don’t do it”. He did it. Of course (no one asks that question without already knowing the answer). This was a conversation I had with a best male friend of mine a few years ago. He had been with his fiancée about 5 or 6 years and they were to be married in 6 months. His affair would last a little over a year – long after he’d stood at the altar. I remember asking him if he really was going to get married. He didn’t want to disappoint his fiancée, they had a history together, and he did love her. Plus the girl he was having the affair with was a gamble, his wife was a sure thing. So he stayed. Today he is content. But what if he’d chosen to call off the wedding? Chosen to wait for someone who he wanted to run to the alter with?
Another friend of mine is 5 years into a marriage he is not unhappy with, there was no "should we or shouldn't we" conversation before the wedding. He walked into it eyes wide open and heart completely full. He recently started having an affair. He met someone who as he puts it "overwhelms my mind in a good way". He's going through his own soul searching time and for better or for worse this girl came along. His wife found out and they are currently "figuring it out". They have a more new age marriage so this isn't a deal breaker. However, I wonder if once you open Pandora's box if the lid can ever really go back on. What if he could be with the other girl? What if he didn't know what he was missing all these years until he met her?
When I was 20 I had an affair with a married man. We fell in love until it fell apart. We connected and our souls aligned in just the right way. Later people would sensationalize it in a way that made it seem as if we had sex on the Empire State Building. In reality we would sit on the couch and watch project runway, but that's a boring story. He and I were amazing together - but he had a life, a house, a history - all of which created so much turmoil within him, so many complications. In the end he made the choice to stay. A few years later he would make the choice to get divorced. He got remarried a couple years ago to a woman who’s soul matches his perfectly. What if he’d stayed with his wife? He would have missed her….missed his chance to be this happy.
Relationships have always been one of life’s great mysteries to me. There is no magic formula. Some people get married after 6 weeks and are married for 15 years (my cousin), some people are friends first, then get married and divorced. I think it has to do with the people. Choosing that person day after day and if there comes a time when it no longer works, having the courage to let them go and moving along – still over simplifying, but what if I’m not? What if you meet the person whose soul aligns with yours but you’re with the wrong person? If the legal system didn’t make it impossibly hard to leave would you?
I never believed in soulmates….but I’ve never met a soul like yours.
-my college boyfriend
They say the key to love is being understood. My ex-boyfriend understood me as much as I understood myself. I hate when people breakup and they try and write off the time they spent together. My ex was the perfect person for me, at one certain point in my life; as I was for him. We’d been together a long time, had been through highs and lows, had an unspoken language of knowing what was going on with the other person. I “grew up” with him. But one day I finally understood that what he needed was someone who wasn’t me. It doesn’t diminish the time we spent together. I loved him so much, a part of me always will, but we weren’t meant to be together forever. I often wonder if society didn't tell people to get married, would they? What if people got to just love who they wanted, when they wanted, and if it didn't work they bid that person adieu, thanked them for the memories and moved on? I'm oversimplifying of course, but what if....
“I met this girl, she’s amazing. I’m thinking of having an affair with her. What are your thoughts?” My thoughts are “no, bad idea. Don’t do it”. He did it. Of course (no one asks that question without already knowing the answer). This was a conversation I had with a best male friend of mine a few years ago. He had been with his fiancée about 5 or 6 years and they were to be married in 6 months. His affair would last a little over a year – long after he’d stood at the altar. I remember asking him if he really was going to get married. He didn’t want to disappoint his fiancée, they had a history together, and he did love her. Plus the girl he was having the affair with was a gamble, his wife was a sure thing. So he stayed. Today he is content. But what if he’d chosen to call off the wedding? Chosen to wait for someone who he wanted to run to the alter with?
Another friend of mine is 5 years into a marriage he is not unhappy with, there was no "should we or shouldn't we" conversation before the wedding. He walked into it eyes wide open and heart completely full. He recently started having an affair. He met someone who as he puts it "overwhelms my mind in a good way". He's going through his own soul searching time and for better or for worse this girl came along. His wife found out and they are currently "figuring it out". They have a more new age marriage so this isn't a deal breaker. However, I wonder if once you open Pandora's box if the lid can ever really go back on. What if he could be with the other girl? What if he didn't know what he was missing all these years until he met her?
When I was 20 I had an affair with a married man. We fell in love until it fell apart. We connected and our souls aligned in just the right way. Later people would sensationalize it in a way that made it seem as if we had sex on the Empire State Building. In reality we would sit on the couch and watch project runway, but that's a boring story. He and I were amazing together - but he had a life, a house, a history - all of which created so much turmoil within him, so many complications. In the end he made the choice to stay. A few years later he would make the choice to get divorced. He got remarried a couple years ago to a woman who’s soul matches his perfectly. What if he’d stayed with his wife? He would have missed her….missed his chance to be this happy.
Relationships have always been one of life’s great mysteries to me. There is no magic formula. Some people get married after 6 weeks and are married for 15 years (my cousin), some people are friends first, then get married and divorced. I think it has to do with the people. Choosing that person day after day and if there comes a time when it no longer works, having the courage to let them go and moving along – still over simplifying, but what if I’m not? What if you meet the person whose soul aligns with yours but you’re with the wrong person? If the legal system didn’t make it impossibly hard to leave would you?
I never believed in soulmates….but I’ve never met a soul like yours.