What do you mean you don't love me?

I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back.


Shakespeare said expectation is the root of all heartache and he was right. I’ve never been great at letting things go. OK fine, I’m awful at it. I’ll hold on until the very end, after the end, after everyone else has gone home – even if it’s toxic for me. I’LL NEVER LET GO JACK. It’s the fighting side of me, the never knowing when to give up, the win at all costs even if the prize is a gold bowling ball trophy (I don’t bowl). I can look back at my life and pinpoint the exact moments I should have walked away, waved the white flag, chosen me over them and known that was the right choice.

Throughout this past year there have been more of those moments, the “run don’t walk” moments. The THIS IS IT, GET THE FUCK OUT NOW moments. While I recognize them, it’s the “how” portion of the equation that I’ve always struggled with. How do I walk away? How do I acknowledge the toxicity and make the choice to end it? How do I choose to let go of the good – because there is always good – with the bad?

This person was complicated, but I understood them. I found comfort in the chaos and confusion. They had good intentions and a good heart but so many walls built up. So many ways to ensure they didn’t get hurt, to ensure I never “got in”. There were plenty of moments that made it look like I was gaining ground, moments when I felt the walls breaking down, the real connection developing. There were all the times the façade came down and the truth gave way and it all just felt so right. Like those moments as a child when you keep trying different puzzle pieces until VOILA! There it is! But then the darkness would give way to the light, a new day would come and the walls would somehow be higher than before. OMG I LET THEM IN?!? HOLY SHIT. HOW’D THAT HAPPEN? CAN’T DO THAT AGAIN. WEAKNESS. I would watch this pattern occur time and time again. Each time feeling more sad, each time feeling the loss harder than before. NO NO, IT’S OK, I PROMISE, I’LL PROTECT YOU, IT’S SAFE OUT HERE. But it’s not is it? To trust that another person will see for who you really are and love you anyway, that they will accept you and the baggage you bring unconditionally? Terrifying. So the self-sabotaging would continue…..

I would wait….holding onto hope for the next moment when I could wiggle into the cracks in the wall and try and make space; try and get the truth to come out. Each time I would desperately cling to them, knowing their brevity and wishing it could last forever. It was a toxic game – a game where no one can ever win. A game of deception and tenacity, build it up to tear it down. I grew weary and exhausted. JUST LOVE ME BACK. PLEASE. I knew I couldn’t do this forever, but the good moments were so good. This can be figured out. If only they hadn’t fought me so hard, fought so hard to remain isolated, unemotional and unattached. If only they had realized that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to show weakness. If only they had realized that their own flaws and problematic ways made them unique and different in a world where everyone is trying to be the same.

So why didn’t I walk away? Why didn’t I have the courage to say that I deserved better than this?


Because. This person was me.


Expectation is the root of all heartache. The person in the mirror can be a real heartbreaker.