It is always darkest right before dawn....
"People think I'm just big, black, and dumb...."
-my friend's husband, a former NFL pro and college football star
Last night I went out with some friends in Dallas. Both of them commented on how happy I look and act, how my instagram account is inspiring and very indicative of who I am now. This led us to a discussion on happiness. My friend's husband has been through some challenging things in his life - divorce with kids being one - so I chose to pick his brain on another friend of mine, Ryan (not his real name). Ryan is currently struggling with the life he has, the one he built vs the one he wants. Are those two the same thing? Are they different? What will have to change? What can stay the same? I explained to him that it frustrates me, while I went through the same thing not too long ago, it's hard to watch someone struggle with indecisiveness. My friends husband looked at me and said "He hasn't asked himself THE question yet?", "Huh? What question?", "What makes me happy? Where does my heart lay?". He went on, "He needs to grab a bottle of whiskey - GOOD whiskey - a pen, some paper, and start writing. Don't stop. Just write. See what comes out. See what his heart says. See if his head follows. Drink and write and he'll get the answer." I just looked at him. There was this 350 pound former nose guard, who could break me with his pinky finger, telling me about listening to your heart and writing to find your truth. Big and Black? Yes. Dumb? Abso-fuckin-lutely not.
--------------
As I drive the familiar streets, visit the shops I routinely drained my bank account at, the bars where I spent many a nights, the places where people know me by name, I am reminded of the life I reluctantly chose to exit 8 months ago. The life where everything looked good, but no longer felt good. The life where everything worked, but me in it.
Eight months ago I left Dallas, Texas on a life timeout. At the time I knew I needed distance and space, I didn't know (or anticipate) that I was setting out to try and become the best version of myself. At the time I had no idea how much harder it would get before it got better. I couldn't know that winter would serve as a metaphor for the previous two years of my life - isolated, doleful, and melancholy. I didn't know that when forced to stay indoors, alone, away from everything and everyone I knew, forced to set down the "life of the party" caricature I had spent years building, that I would discover who I really am. No one told me to get a bottle of whiskey, a pen and a piece of paper - a far simpler and cheaper plan (but I've never been good at simple) - so I got a yoga mat, 15 weeks of freezing temperatures, and 2000 miles between me and the familiar. But unknowingly along the way I answered THE question "What makes me happy? Where does my heart lay?".
I would rather split a good bottle of wine with 2 best friends and be asleep by 10 pm than attend a party with 50 people until 2 am. You're either a one date wonder or the love of my life - I have no interest in dating for free meals and non-stimulating conversation. I love men who are self deprecating, interested in the world, and are sarcastic with a hint of insecurity. Effort means everything. Don't tell me, show me. If someone doesn't add to my life, they don't get included in it. If someone takes something out on me or directs their negativity in my direction it's about them, not me - I rarely take things personally. I have anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder - I work daily to keep them in check. I love photography but not Art, I could run through the Louvre in 10 minutes. I am pretentiously unpretentious - can I order sour patch kids for dessert at a 5 star restaurant? A beer at the Ritz? I love people so much I love to be alone. I am okay being alone. I start more books than I finish. I love yoga. I love cooking. I love fashion. I love traveling.
Eight months ago I reluctantly chose to try and go find my happiness. I admitted that what was happening wasn't working and what wasn't working, was happening. I dropped the mic, threw up my hands, and walked off the stage.
Ohio was my paper, I the pen, and winter my whiskey.
"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."
Life is full of ups an downs, ebbs and flows. I have made it through many difficult times in my life and know there will be more up ahead. However, I've learned that knowing where I stand and who I want to stand next to me makes it far easier to handle. Saying goodbye isn't always a horrible thing - sometimes it's the only way to say hello again.
Cheers.
-my friend's husband, a former NFL pro and college football star
Last night I went out with some friends in Dallas. Both of them commented on how happy I look and act, how my instagram account is inspiring and very indicative of who I am now. This led us to a discussion on happiness. My friend's husband has been through some challenging things in his life - divorce with kids being one - so I chose to pick his brain on another friend of mine, Ryan (not his real name). Ryan is currently struggling with the life he has, the one he built vs the one he wants. Are those two the same thing? Are they different? What will have to change? What can stay the same? I explained to him that it frustrates me, while I went through the same thing not too long ago, it's hard to watch someone struggle with indecisiveness. My friends husband looked at me and said "He hasn't asked himself THE question yet?", "Huh? What question?", "What makes me happy? Where does my heart lay?". He went on, "He needs to grab a bottle of whiskey - GOOD whiskey - a pen, some paper, and start writing. Don't stop. Just write. See what comes out. See what his heart says. See if his head follows. Drink and write and he'll get the answer." I just looked at him. There was this 350 pound former nose guard, who could break me with his pinky finger, telling me about listening to your heart and writing to find your truth. Big and Black? Yes. Dumb? Abso-fuckin-lutely not.
--------------
As I drive the familiar streets, visit the shops I routinely drained my bank account at, the bars where I spent many a nights, the places where people know me by name, I am reminded of the life I reluctantly chose to exit 8 months ago. The life where everything looked good, but no longer felt good. The life where everything worked, but me in it.
Eight months ago I left Dallas, Texas on a life timeout. At the time I knew I needed distance and space, I didn't know (or anticipate) that I was setting out to try and become the best version of myself. At the time I had no idea how much harder it would get before it got better. I couldn't know that winter would serve as a metaphor for the previous two years of my life - isolated, doleful, and melancholy. I didn't know that when forced to stay indoors, alone, away from everything and everyone I knew, forced to set down the "life of the party" caricature I had spent years building, that I would discover who I really am. No one told me to get a bottle of whiskey, a pen and a piece of paper - a far simpler and cheaper plan (but I've never been good at simple) - so I got a yoga mat, 15 weeks of freezing temperatures, and 2000 miles between me and the familiar. But unknowingly along the way I answered THE question "What makes me happy? Where does my heart lay?".
I would rather split a good bottle of wine with 2 best friends and be asleep by 10 pm than attend a party with 50 people until 2 am. You're either a one date wonder or the love of my life - I have no interest in dating for free meals and non-stimulating conversation. I love men who are self deprecating, interested in the world, and are sarcastic with a hint of insecurity. Effort means everything. Don't tell me, show me. If someone doesn't add to my life, they don't get included in it. If someone takes something out on me or directs their negativity in my direction it's about them, not me - I rarely take things personally. I have anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder - I work daily to keep them in check. I love photography but not Art, I could run through the Louvre in 10 minutes. I am pretentiously unpretentious - can I order sour patch kids for dessert at a 5 star restaurant? A beer at the Ritz? I love people so much I love to be alone. I am okay being alone. I start more books than I finish. I love yoga. I love cooking. I love fashion. I love traveling.
Eight months ago I reluctantly chose to try and go find my happiness. I admitted that what was happening wasn't working and what wasn't working, was happening. I dropped the mic, threw up my hands, and walked off the stage.
Ohio was my paper, I the pen, and winter my whiskey.
"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."
Life is full of ups an downs, ebbs and flows. I have made it through many difficult times in my life and know there will be more up ahead. However, I've learned that knowing where I stand and who I want to stand next to me makes it far easier to handle. Saying goodbye isn't always a horrible thing - sometimes it's the only way to say hello again.
Cheers.