It's my birthday and I scream if I want too...

Today is my 29^th birthday.

When I was 26 the cracks in my relationship started becoming ditches. I remember thinking on my 27^th birthday “this is going to be my year, I’ve got this”.  I said it enough I almost believed it….almost.  My boyfriend and best friend surprised me with her flying in – I was ECSTATIC (I LOVE surprises).  It was an amazing distraction. My 27^th birthDAY  was amazing. But then there was the year. The year where my boyfriend moved out, my 5 year relationship came to a close, and my relationship with alcohol and late nights became a codependent stronghold.  “It’s complicated” as my new relationship status was an understatement.

My 28^th birthday was definitely going to be “my year”. I definitely had this. Right? Not even a little bit. Not even at all.  I had two birthday parties and this was only weeks after having my “I’m now a yoga teacher” party. There was always a reason to have a party.  They were amazing, a reminder of all the friends who stood next to me despite the previous 15 months. But then there was my life. There was the house I rarely went home too - a museum of my old life.  There were the bills that went unopened.  There was the ex-boyfriend building his new life as I was playing in quick sand in my current one.  But through it all I kept thinking “I’ve got this, I’m almost there”.  The problem was I had no idea where “there” even was, I was just going and going….and going….hoping tequila and tacos would build me a new life.

I used to be so scared, so worried about other people’s perceptions. I would push aside the scary inside whispers of running away.  I used to be so scared to imagine my life alone – what would that even look like? I projected confidence to mask insecurity, a smile to mask a tear, laughter to mask pain.  Until one day my scary inside whispers became screams.  

This year there is no boyfriend, no one flying in to surprise me, no party (much less 2).  This year those who are closest to me are thousands of miles away.  But this year I'm not scared. I'm no longer trying to get "there",  I’m accepting being here.  There is a freedom that comes when the worst happens.  There is a freedom that comes with being able to just be me. 

I went running this morning.  As I was rounding the park a smile came across my face and my scary inside whisper screamed out...

"I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF. I'M OKAY. I. AM. OKAY."

Happy Birthday. To Me. To you. To everyone.

Cheers.