Unavailable boy, meet Unavailable girl
My father walked out on me.
He said he would call later and never did.
He didn't look for me.
He didn't come find me.
He made a choice.
I wasn't it.
I loathe being the girl with daddy issues. It is a stigma I have fought against my whole life - NO WAY. NOT ME. I'M GOOD. I ESCAPED UNSCATHED. I was always aware that my issues with men and relationships lay somewhere back in my childhood, however, I chose to believe I could figure it out. I chose to believe the past was the past and I was headed forward - like Joan of Arc minus the fiery death.
"Whitney, if he looked at you today and said 'lets do this' do you really think you'd be all in? Or would you just run? Because I think you'd just run." This was a statement said to me by a friend regarding an emotionally and physically unavailable man I dated in college. But it's a statement that's been said to me numerous times throughout the years. I even received the nickname "runaway bride" by a friend who decided I was like a dog chasing it's tail - I wouldn't actually know what to do if I caught it - it being the unavailable guy I was chasing after.
My parents divorce was a battleground for my father and I - who could get my mother on their side, who could get her to believe their story. He would steal my money and convince my mother I'd taken it just to make her think he was a bad person. He read my journal. He stole more. He set me up. Then stole again. Each betrayal another brick on my emotional wall. Each betrayal a reminder that I needed to be able to go at life alone.
I've maintained a solid 70/30 split when it comes to men. I'll give them a solid 70% of me - I'll let them in, tell them my stories, rely on them for (certain) things. However that other 30...that other 30 is all mine. I hold on to it, cling to it - my adult safety blanket. My way of making sure no one can ever cause me the depth of pain that occurred all those years ago, by a man who was supposed to protect me from everything.
I have a history of going for the "unavailable" men - the married guy, the bad boy, the hopeless wanderer, the musician. One guy kept telling me he was unavailable and I kept thinking, "I'M SO FUCKING AWESOME AND WE HAVE SUCH A GREAT TIME YOU'LL DEFINITELY CHANGE YOUR MIND!". False. He was right. He was unavailable. I like the challenge, but I also like that there's an "out" - always a door that I can run through at any moment. My ex wasn't like this. He would have laid in traffic for me and he willingly handed his whole heart to me. Only, I had no idea what to do with it. I didn't even know if I wanted it, I certainly wasn't going to reciprocate. I liked the idea - just not the reality.
I'm great initially - YES, LET'S DO THIS. YES I WANT TO DATE YOU. I'M ALL IN. Then slowly....sometimes over days, sometimes weeks, sometimes years, I pull away. It's not a conscious choice, but a subconscious reaction - the butterfly going back to being a caterpillar because it's the safer option. It's confusing to men - "wait, shouldn't you pull away at the BEGINNING, not the middle?" But the middle is where things start to get dicey for me, the middle is where the reality becomes clearer and my understanding of it all becomes cloudy. Time to look for that door......
So many unavailable men. And me, the unavailable girl. We attract what we put out. I now realize - and accept - that the actions of one man determined my actions with many. I did not escape unaffected and unscathed. The wall that I started building at 15 is now nearly impenetrable at almost 29. I want to change the ratio, I want to be able to truly go all in.....someday.
The man who was supposed to protect me from everyone couldn't protect me from himself. I look in the mirror. I see now that my biggest obstacle is no longer him, but the reflection of the person looking back at me. Daddy issues. His issues. Not mine. The unavailable girl will brick my brick bring down the wall. The unavailable girl will attract the available man when she is ready.
".....if he looked at you today and said 'lets do this' do you really think you'd be all in? Or would you just run? Because I think you'd just run."
...........Someday. I won't.
He said he would call later and never did.
He didn't look for me.
He didn't come find me.
He made a choice.
I wasn't it.
I loathe being the girl with daddy issues. It is a stigma I have fought against my whole life - NO WAY. NOT ME. I'M GOOD. I ESCAPED UNSCATHED. I was always aware that my issues with men and relationships lay somewhere back in my childhood, however, I chose to believe I could figure it out. I chose to believe the past was the past and I was headed forward - like Joan of Arc minus the fiery death.
"Whitney, if he looked at you today and said 'lets do this' do you really think you'd be all in? Or would you just run? Because I think you'd just run." This was a statement said to me by a friend regarding an emotionally and physically unavailable man I dated in college. But it's a statement that's been said to me numerous times throughout the years. I even received the nickname "runaway bride" by a friend who decided I was like a dog chasing it's tail - I wouldn't actually know what to do if I caught it - it being the unavailable guy I was chasing after.
My parents divorce was a battleground for my father and I - who could get my mother on their side, who could get her to believe their story. He would steal my money and convince my mother I'd taken it just to make her think he was a bad person. He read my journal. He stole more. He set me up. Then stole again. Each betrayal another brick on my emotional wall. Each betrayal a reminder that I needed to be able to go at life alone.
I've maintained a solid 70/30 split when it comes to men. I'll give them a solid 70% of me - I'll let them in, tell them my stories, rely on them for (certain) things. However that other 30...that other 30 is all mine. I hold on to it, cling to it - my adult safety blanket. My way of making sure no one can ever cause me the depth of pain that occurred all those years ago, by a man who was supposed to protect me from everything.
I have a history of going for the "unavailable" men - the married guy, the bad boy, the hopeless wanderer, the musician. One guy kept telling me he was unavailable and I kept thinking, "I'M SO FUCKING AWESOME AND WE HAVE SUCH A GREAT TIME YOU'LL DEFINITELY CHANGE YOUR MIND!". False. He was right. He was unavailable. I like the challenge, but I also like that there's an "out" - always a door that I can run through at any moment. My ex wasn't like this. He would have laid in traffic for me and he willingly handed his whole heart to me. Only, I had no idea what to do with it. I didn't even know if I wanted it, I certainly wasn't going to reciprocate. I liked the idea - just not the reality.
I'm great initially - YES, LET'S DO THIS. YES I WANT TO DATE YOU. I'M ALL IN. Then slowly....sometimes over days, sometimes weeks, sometimes years, I pull away. It's not a conscious choice, but a subconscious reaction - the butterfly going back to being a caterpillar because it's the safer option. It's confusing to men - "wait, shouldn't you pull away at the BEGINNING, not the middle?" But the middle is where things start to get dicey for me, the middle is where the reality becomes clearer and my understanding of it all becomes cloudy. Time to look for that door......
So many unavailable men. And me, the unavailable girl. We attract what we put out. I now realize - and accept - that the actions of one man determined my actions with many. I did not escape unaffected and unscathed. The wall that I started building at 15 is now nearly impenetrable at almost 29. I want to change the ratio, I want to be able to truly go all in.....someday.
The man who was supposed to protect me from everyone couldn't protect me from himself. I look in the mirror. I see now that my biggest obstacle is no longer him, but the reflection of the person looking back at me. Daddy issues. His issues. Not mine. The unavailable girl will brick my brick bring down the wall. The unavailable girl will attract the available man when she is ready.
".....if he looked at you today and said 'lets do this' do you really think you'd be all in? Or would you just run? Because I think you'd just run."
...........Someday. I won't.