Peter Piper Picked a Peck of People Pleasing Persons
"Maybe all that we are is what people expect us to be.
or maybe we are more and we expect much less than we think we deserve."
-r.m. drake
A few weeks ago I was with a group of females - a large group of females - too many females in fact - celebrating a mutual friend. The day was hers, the drama that ensued was not. The issue came towards the end of the night and surrounded what club to go too. If this dilemma had presented itself roughly 8 years ago when I was a college club kid who's biggest concerns were where to get the nightly bottle service, I would have been all in. However, at roughly midnight in my late 20's with a sunburn making my body rapidly fluctuate between hot and cold I could have cared less. Roughly an hour later with the drama of where should we go still playing out I was irritable and apathetic. When the decision was made around 1 am and came with a price tag of $1000 I was already hitting the "request uberx" button and asking for the spare set of keys to our rented house. Only one other person came with me, however, I would have happily gone home alone. My "FOMO" days are long gone and "YOLO" these days usually includes a solid 7 hour nights sleep.
After we got back to the house I promptly removed the slingbacks, off came the smokey eye, I brushed through the loose curls, and hung up the short fringe dress. Ahhh...peace. I got myself into bed ready to begin my 7 hour sabbatical into dream land (ok usually I have semi-fucked up kinda sorta dreams, but more on that topic another time). However, I looked over at my friend who was sitting straight up in bed, make up still on, eyes wide - "I think I'm going to take an uber back to the club", "WHAT?! It's 2 am!". Her anxiety seeping through with every word, "I know, I just think I need to go back. I feel bad. I should have gone.", "You hate clubs. You didn't want to go.", "I know, I just think I should be there. I should go back." I spent the next half hour reassuring her no one was wondering where she was, they were all dancing on tables, confetti stuck to their sweaty arms, having the time of their life. I also reassured her that if she showed up an hour and a half after everyone else and at 3 am she would look like a complete psychopath. I gave her half a Xanax and wished her sweet dreams.
People pleasing: an intense need to please and care for others. I don't have this. Don't get me wrong, I will go out of my way for the people I care about. However, if you're not one of those people, I don't feel the need to get you to like me. I don't care if you get angry at me over something petty (ie: going or not going to a club). I won't lose sleep. I won't get upset. I probably won't even think about it. But I've always been fascinated by people who are opposite of this - aka: my friend, the 3 am "I'M GONNA CALL AN UBER" girl.
A male friend of mine once asked me why I thought he didn't get a promotion over a coworker of his. He was far more engaged than she was, he spent more time with the people he worked with, trying to teach them and get them to understand was a top priority for him. I used to watch him spend hours of his time training and explaining and RE-EXPLAINING to my peers. He would work 12 hour days, putting his own task list off to help others. Some of them I knew would never get it, some I knew didn't even really care and were just doing what their boss asked them to do - and yet he sat there, day after day, hour after hour. It was admirable really - he cared so much. He was amazing at his job, everyone liked him and yet when promotion time came up - he didn't get it. I told him he simply didn't want it bad enough. He wanted everyone to like him - and they did, but in the world of corporate America - popularity doesn't always win out. She played to win, he played to kill time until a better game came along.
I talked to another friend of mine the other night and listened as he recanted details about a party, a party where he made sure everyone was happy - drinks in hand, delicious food flowing - and yet as the night wore on he found himself the brunt of the jokes. An easy target. Everyone knew he wouldn't fight back. Everyone knew he would be silent, masking his unhappiness, masking his desire to throw everyone the middle finger and walk off.
I am not a people pleaser. I've learned over the past year that if shit isn't good for my soul I don't have much use for it and can easily walk away. I'm not great at giving advice to my friends who are trapped between duty and desire. But I try and play out their fear - what if you don't go to the club and that girl ends up hating you - does her friendship even matter?....What if you don't get the promotion - did you even want it or is it just another validation?...What if you're not the life of the party and people are disappointed in you - is that a reflection of you or them?
I think there is a halfway point between throwing the middle finger and ubering at 3 am - but balance is something I'm still working on so I can't pretend to know exactly what that is....
.........however, I do know the only two reasons I'm getting in a car at 3 am are to go to a Rolling Stones/Aerosmith after party or to pick up that winning lottery ticket I dropped while walking away from someone who's shit just didn't line up with mine.
or maybe we are more and we expect much less than we think we deserve."
-r.m. drake
A few weeks ago I was with a group of females - a large group of females - too many females in fact - celebrating a mutual friend. The day was hers, the drama that ensued was not. The issue came towards the end of the night and surrounded what club to go too. If this dilemma had presented itself roughly 8 years ago when I was a college club kid who's biggest concerns were where to get the nightly bottle service, I would have been all in. However, at roughly midnight in my late 20's with a sunburn making my body rapidly fluctuate between hot and cold I could have cared less. Roughly an hour later with the drama of where should we go still playing out I was irritable and apathetic. When the decision was made around 1 am and came with a price tag of $1000 I was already hitting the "request uberx" button and asking for the spare set of keys to our rented house. Only one other person came with me, however, I would have happily gone home alone. My "FOMO" days are long gone and "YOLO" these days usually includes a solid 7 hour nights sleep.
After we got back to the house I promptly removed the slingbacks, off came the smokey eye, I brushed through the loose curls, and hung up the short fringe dress. Ahhh...peace. I got myself into bed ready to begin my 7 hour sabbatical into dream land (ok usually I have semi-fucked up kinda sorta dreams, but more on that topic another time). However, I looked over at my friend who was sitting straight up in bed, make up still on, eyes wide - "I think I'm going to take an uber back to the club", "WHAT?! It's 2 am!". Her anxiety seeping through with every word, "I know, I just think I need to go back. I feel bad. I should have gone.", "You hate clubs. You didn't want to go.", "I know, I just think I should be there. I should go back." I spent the next half hour reassuring her no one was wondering where she was, they were all dancing on tables, confetti stuck to their sweaty arms, having the time of their life. I also reassured her that if she showed up an hour and a half after everyone else and at 3 am she would look like a complete psychopath. I gave her half a Xanax and wished her sweet dreams.
People pleasing: an intense need to please and care for others. I don't have this. Don't get me wrong, I will go out of my way for the people I care about. However, if you're not one of those people, I don't feel the need to get you to like me. I don't care if you get angry at me over something petty (ie: going or not going to a club). I won't lose sleep. I won't get upset. I probably won't even think about it. But I've always been fascinated by people who are opposite of this - aka: my friend, the 3 am "I'M GONNA CALL AN UBER" girl.
A male friend of mine once asked me why I thought he didn't get a promotion over a coworker of his. He was far more engaged than she was, he spent more time with the people he worked with, trying to teach them and get them to understand was a top priority for him. I used to watch him spend hours of his time training and explaining and RE-EXPLAINING to my peers. He would work 12 hour days, putting his own task list off to help others. Some of them I knew would never get it, some I knew didn't even really care and were just doing what their boss asked them to do - and yet he sat there, day after day, hour after hour. It was admirable really - he cared so much. He was amazing at his job, everyone liked him and yet when promotion time came up - he didn't get it. I told him he simply didn't want it bad enough. He wanted everyone to like him - and they did, but in the world of corporate America - popularity doesn't always win out. She played to win, he played to kill time until a better game came along.
I talked to another friend of mine the other night and listened as he recanted details about a party, a party where he made sure everyone was happy - drinks in hand, delicious food flowing - and yet as the night wore on he found himself the brunt of the jokes. An easy target. Everyone knew he wouldn't fight back. Everyone knew he would be silent, masking his unhappiness, masking his desire to throw everyone the middle finger and walk off.
I am not a people pleaser. I've learned over the past year that if shit isn't good for my soul I don't have much use for it and can easily walk away. I'm not great at giving advice to my friends who are trapped between duty and desire. But I try and play out their fear - what if you don't go to the club and that girl ends up hating you - does her friendship even matter?....What if you don't get the promotion - did you even want it or is it just another validation?...What if you're not the life of the party and people are disappointed in you - is that a reflection of you or them?
I think there is a halfway point between throwing the middle finger and ubering at 3 am - but balance is something I'm still working on so I can't pretend to know exactly what that is....
.........however, I do know the only two reasons I'm getting in a car at 3 am are to go to a Rolling Stones/Aerosmith after party or to pick up that winning lottery ticket I dropped while walking away from someone who's shit just didn't line up with mine.