365 days....
One year ago today I was celebrating a close friends birthday. Me, him, and his dad - all playing golf, well me swinging a club and occasionally hitting a ball - but them playing golf, and drinking mimosas. Later that night we went out with my sister and her husband who were in town looking at houses to buy. I remember crying at some point in the night - my sister's husband was an asshole to me, I believe the words "pretentious bitch" were how he described me - him being the upstanding drug addict jobless person that he was. I took the following day off from work at my friends urging - spend the day together, recover from our hangovers.
That scenario - him, me, my sister finally moving to Dallas - it's what I had wanted for so long. It's the the picture I would paint on the dreary days, the image that I would cling to when life got overwhelming - THAT is what will make me happy. Then there, on that day, 365 days ago, that picture came to life. But I felt sad, empty, isolated, desolate. It didn't feel right, it didn't look right, my gut feeling told me to run. My gut feeling told me this was all just a facade. Where was the happiness?
I went back to work and everyone asked how my weekend was, my friend, my sister. "You must be so happy! Everything is working out." I smiled. I nodded. I enthusiastically (too much) responded "yes! It really is!". Maybe if I added enough exclamation points to my statements I'd start to believe them. But my life was starting to break me, the cracks in the foundation were becoming too big to jump over. Drink, Sleep, Work, Repeat. Drink, sleep, work, repeat.
3 months later I left.
___________________________
365 days. It now feels like it was someone else's life. Another lifetime.
A year ago sometimes the biggest thing I was able to accomplish was driving myself to work. Other days I immediately turned around and drove home - "sick". I'd get into bed and I'd wonder what the fuck I was doing. I'd cry. I'd go numb. I'd hope that someday...someday the changes would add up to something.
When change starts occurring it can seem imperceptible and insignificant. But then as time goes on and the changes pile up - suddenly a new picture forms. A new person emerges. The anguish and the fear and the pain start to go away.
____________________________
365 days. Enough time for the earth to orbit the sun. Enough time to end and start again. Enough time to tear it down and build it back up.
Sometimes you get everything you ever wanted, only to realize it's not what you needed.
That scenario - him, me, my sister finally moving to Dallas - it's what I had wanted for so long. It's the the picture I would paint on the dreary days, the image that I would cling to when life got overwhelming - THAT is what will make me happy. Then there, on that day, 365 days ago, that picture came to life. But I felt sad, empty, isolated, desolate. It didn't feel right, it didn't look right, my gut feeling told me to run. My gut feeling told me this was all just a facade. Where was the happiness?
I went back to work and everyone asked how my weekend was, my friend, my sister. "You must be so happy! Everything is working out." I smiled. I nodded. I enthusiastically (too much) responded "yes! It really is!". Maybe if I added enough exclamation points to my statements I'd start to believe them. But my life was starting to break me, the cracks in the foundation were becoming too big to jump over. Drink, Sleep, Work, Repeat. Drink, sleep, work, repeat.
3 months later I left.
___________________________
365 days. It now feels like it was someone else's life. Another lifetime.
A year ago sometimes the biggest thing I was able to accomplish was driving myself to work. Other days I immediately turned around and drove home - "sick". I'd get into bed and I'd wonder what the fuck I was doing. I'd cry. I'd go numb. I'd hope that someday...someday the changes would add up to something.
When change starts occurring it can seem imperceptible and insignificant. But then as time goes on and the changes pile up - suddenly a new picture forms. A new person emerges. The anguish and the fear and the pain start to go away.
____________________________
365 days. Enough time for the earth to orbit the sun. Enough time to end and start again. Enough time to tear it down and build it back up.
Sometimes you get everything you ever wanted, only to realize it's not what you needed.