Throw up. Drink. Act out.
I'm standing on the edge. Don't look down. Look down.
Dangle one foot out. Put it back. Repeat with opposite foot.
Breathe in.....so close....so close to the edge.
-----------------
Today was a bad day. Today I woke up and my body felt unfamiliar, sickly, weak. I got up and instantly felt out of breath, each step requiring more energy than the one before it. My chest was tight, my head was foggy. It was as if I woke up in someone else's body - unsure of how to make simple movements.
Each mile I drove closer to work my anxiety increased. I sat through meeting after meeting seeing people's mouth's moving, unaware of what they were saying. My thoughts raced, my legs pulsed, my chest tightened. I kept reminding myself to breathe. It wouldn't be until the afternoon that I was able to escape to the outside - sit in the sunlight, stare at the fish jumping in the lake. It provided temporary relief before I resumed my autopilot existence.
By the end of the day as exhaustion set in I could feel my old demons showing up, determined to comfort me. Throw up, drink, act out. Throw up, drink, act out. A mantra for the fucked up. I was fighting against myself. Standing on the ledge, holding the gun, ready to jump - any analogy someone could use, I was up against them all. I put my yoga clothes on. I drove to the studio. I talked to my favorite instructor - I have zero idea about what - autopilot. I asked a girl if I could put my mat next to hers, she glared at me and said nothing, maybe she was fighting her demons too.
Throw up, drink, act out. Throw up, drink, act out. It's not a great mantra to start a yoga class, but it got me there. It got me started. It got me moving. Slowly, breath by breath, pose by pose I started to feel strong, my chest released, my mat came into focus. Let. Go. Let. Go. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. 60 minutes later I felt calmness wash over me. I felt my body melt into the mat, 1/8 inch of rubber was providing me with the most tranquility I'd felt in 10 hours. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted - but I had held the demons at bay.
I talked to a friend when I got home. His voice was comforting but his words were not. When I got off the phone I could feel the surge of anxiousness washing over me. Make tea. Make tea. Autopilot - stick to the routine. So I made my tea. I got back in bed. And I started writing.
-------------------
Today was a bad day. Today I fought my demons. Today I fought myself. But today I won. I heard the fucked up mantra, but I didn't give in to it. I looked over the ledge and I backed away. It wasn't easy, giving in would have been so much more effortless. But I lack respect for those who choose the easy way out, myself included. I wished someone had been here. I wished I could have leaned on a friend. But I think - I know - it was better that I couldn't. I would have seen the fear in their eyes. The fear that meant they were worried that what happened before was going to happen again. I could hear the fear in my mother's voice when I talked to her. I can't blame her, or anyone. I created this. But I would have used that fear to evoke my own self doubt, my own trepidation as to whether or not I could handle everything, handle myself.
But today, 2000 miles away from the life and the people I left, I fought my demons and I won. It isn't the first time it's happened, but it's the first time I was aware each and every moment as it was occurring. The first time I felt every jolt of the tug of war happening inside of me. The first time I could see outside myself. And the first time that amidst the exhaustion tears I could smile.
A woman was asked when she is her best self. Her response, "When I make space for my worst self." Today I got to know my worst self. I got to see who I am up against. But her place in this world is limited. I am not perfect. Life doesn't look like how I thought it would, the people, the places, the relationships. My yoga poses don't always look like I thought they would. But that's when the good shit happens, the real shit. Seeing the worst part of myself and knowing I can fight back. Knowing I can win.
Inhale. Exhale. Let. Go.
Today was a good day.
Dangle one foot out. Put it back. Repeat with opposite foot.
Breathe in.....so close....so close to the edge.
-----------------
Today was a bad day. Today I woke up and my body felt unfamiliar, sickly, weak. I got up and instantly felt out of breath, each step requiring more energy than the one before it. My chest was tight, my head was foggy. It was as if I woke up in someone else's body - unsure of how to make simple movements.
Each mile I drove closer to work my anxiety increased. I sat through meeting after meeting seeing people's mouth's moving, unaware of what they were saying. My thoughts raced, my legs pulsed, my chest tightened. I kept reminding myself to breathe. It wouldn't be until the afternoon that I was able to escape to the outside - sit in the sunlight, stare at the fish jumping in the lake. It provided temporary relief before I resumed my autopilot existence.
By the end of the day as exhaustion set in I could feel my old demons showing up, determined to comfort me. Throw up, drink, act out. Throw up, drink, act out. A mantra for the fucked up. I was fighting against myself. Standing on the ledge, holding the gun, ready to jump - any analogy someone could use, I was up against them all. I put my yoga clothes on. I drove to the studio. I talked to my favorite instructor - I have zero idea about what - autopilot. I asked a girl if I could put my mat next to hers, she glared at me and said nothing, maybe she was fighting her demons too.
Throw up, drink, act out. Throw up, drink, act out. It's not a great mantra to start a yoga class, but it got me there. It got me started. It got me moving. Slowly, breath by breath, pose by pose I started to feel strong, my chest released, my mat came into focus. Let. Go. Let. Go. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. 60 minutes later I felt calmness wash over me. I felt my body melt into the mat, 1/8 inch of rubber was providing me with the most tranquility I'd felt in 10 hours. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted - but I had held the demons at bay.
I talked to a friend when I got home. His voice was comforting but his words were not. When I got off the phone I could feel the surge of anxiousness washing over me. Make tea. Make tea. Autopilot - stick to the routine. So I made my tea. I got back in bed. And I started writing.
-------------------
Today was a bad day. Today I fought my demons. Today I fought myself. But today I won. I heard the fucked up mantra, but I didn't give in to it. I looked over the ledge and I backed away. It wasn't easy, giving in would have been so much more effortless. But I lack respect for those who choose the easy way out, myself included. I wished someone had been here. I wished I could have leaned on a friend. But I think - I know - it was better that I couldn't. I would have seen the fear in their eyes. The fear that meant they were worried that what happened before was going to happen again. I could hear the fear in my mother's voice when I talked to her. I can't blame her, or anyone. I created this. But I would have used that fear to evoke my own self doubt, my own trepidation as to whether or not I could handle everything, handle myself.
But today, 2000 miles away from the life and the people I left, I fought my demons and I won. It isn't the first time it's happened, but it's the first time I was aware each and every moment as it was occurring. The first time I felt every jolt of the tug of war happening inside of me. The first time I could see outside myself. And the first time that amidst the exhaustion tears I could smile.
A woman was asked when she is her best self. Her response, "When I make space for my worst self." Today I got to know my worst self. I got to see who I am up against. But her place in this world is limited. I am not perfect. Life doesn't look like how I thought it would, the people, the places, the relationships. My yoga poses don't always look like I thought they would. But that's when the good shit happens, the real shit. Seeing the worst part of myself and knowing I can fight back. Knowing I can win.
Inhale. Exhale. Let. Go.
Today was a good day.