Life Begins at the end of your comfort zone. - Neale Donald Walsch
9 months ago today I moved to Columbus, Ohio. I'd left all of my furniture behind, so the first night in my apt was spent on a 9 x 11 square of carpet. I remember staring up at the beams on the ceiling wondering when it would all hurt a little less, wondering if I'd made the right decision, wondering if it was possible to save something I never had to begin with.....
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The morning I walked into my bosses office to resign I had no idea what my decision was going to be. I had told them two days prior I was quitting, I gave them a chance to counter. It was actually the only reason I interviewed for another job - I wanted more money at my current job. The plan worked. They countered - and it was a good fucking counter. But I didn't feel better. Hearing the number, it didn't free me like I thought it would, my mind still weighed heavy. How could this be happening? How could I be confused about what to do? I didn't want to move or quit. I wanted more money. It worked. They countered. I accept. They countered. I accept. That's how this was supposed to work. THAT was the plan. Only as I sat down in the chair across from my boss, my hands shaking, my body twitching, I looked her in the eye and said "I'm putting in my two weeks". I felt I was in someone else's body. What was I doing?! I was quitting my dream job to move to Ohio??
No. I quit A job, to move away from a place that no longer served me in an attempt to get back to myself, in an attempt to save myself. Everyone was shocked I wasn't moving to Los Angeles - myself included. But given the path I was on that would have ended up in a Lindsay Lohan meets Amanda Bynes downward spiral. No, I needed someplace removed, someplace safe. A place that would force me to sit down at the table with all of my demons and get to know each and every one of them.
It would take 2 months from the time I moved for me to hit my rock bottom and finally decide it was time to climb upwards. It would take a few more before I fully understood all of the choices I had made. There is a line from a Florence and the Machine song - Cosmic Love - "the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out, you left me in in the dark, no dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight", it sums up perfectly how I felt the first 4-5 months. There was no one here, no one to tell me what happened next, no one to guide me left or right. Of course there were people reassuring me it would be okay, but it all sounds like white noise when you're in the dark with no map. Each night after yoga I would come home to my unfamiliar surroundings and I would bleed out my emotions. I would think about the decisions I had made and I finally let myself feel their effect - good and bad. I made a spreadsheet in which I am required to write down one good thing I do each day so that at the end of 1 year I see the happiness, the joy, I created for myself. The beginning days seemed daunting. Line 3 of 365 seems overwhelming...pointless, but I refused to give up. Eventually I was able to look at each line individually. I was able to look at the moment, the day, and focus on that. Eventually I was able to get lost in the anonymity of my new surroundings and find peace.
I danced with my demons and learned a lot about them and even more about myself. I learned that I am damaged, not in a way that makes me untouchable, but in a way that makes me intricately delicate. I am a girl wanting to feel love, to give love. It's no longer the kind of desperation that prevents me from living, it now inspires me, pushes me, drives me to be better, in hopes that I can receive better. I examined my relationships, the ones I had broken and the ones that had broke me and started mending those that I knew would suit me on my journey upwards. It doesn't matter if I have known someone 5 minutes or 15 years, if they are a good human and bring something positive to my life, they get to stay; if not then I have to let them go.
I watched a show about the life of a famous chef. He talks about running into an old friend he hadn't seen in years and the friend said "you don't like me anymore?". The chef responded, "no, it's not that, we just grew apart. We don't want the same things anymore. You went one way and I went another. I look back with fond memories on the time we shared but we are different people now." History doesn't determine loyalty. People change, feelings change, life changes...
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In 9 months a new life is created - truly. Today I'm leaving on the trip of a lifetime to Thailand. I will travel around; first in Bangkok, then take an overnight train to the north, and end up on the beaches of Phuket. Someone once said that travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. Turns out maybe I didn't need all that stuff, maybe my 9 x 11 square of carpet was the universe's way of reminding me of that. Just as the counter offer at my old job taught me - it's not about the money. Money doesn't buy happiness. Experiences, people, living - that's happiness. I get to take my new self to a new place; meet the people, try the food, get lost in the culture. Get lost in the experience. Just get lost.
Sometimes late at night I still stare up at the beams on the ceiling. But I no longer wonder if I made the right choice - I know I did. I know Ohio is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I no longer fixate on the past. I use it as a therapeutic release in my writing and a tool to perhaps help someone else. My life these days is spent looking forward - who will I meet, where will I go. It's spent enjoying the nights home alone, the time I get to sit in silence with the person I've become.
I wish I could give the 9 months ago version of me a hug. Tell her she is doing the right thing. Remind her that it's not about the place you live and the things you have it's about who you are, it's about being a better human. I would applaud her for her bravery, doing something that made everyone stare and scowl, something that no one envied, something that no one else wanted. I would tell her that her new life would look better than her old one ever did, that the flawed version of herself was far better than the facade that other people saw.
Is it possible to save something I never had to begin with? No, but it is possible to create it.
-----------
The morning I walked into my bosses office to resign I had no idea what my decision was going to be. I had told them two days prior I was quitting, I gave them a chance to counter. It was actually the only reason I interviewed for another job - I wanted more money at my current job. The plan worked. They countered - and it was a good fucking counter. But I didn't feel better. Hearing the number, it didn't free me like I thought it would, my mind still weighed heavy. How could this be happening? How could I be confused about what to do? I didn't want to move or quit. I wanted more money. It worked. They countered. I accept. They countered. I accept. That's how this was supposed to work. THAT was the plan. Only as I sat down in the chair across from my boss, my hands shaking, my body twitching, I looked her in the eye and said "I'm putting in my two weeks". I felt I was in someone else's body. What was I doing?! I was quitting my dream job to move to Ohio??
No. I quit A job, to move away from a place that no longer served me in an attempt to get back to myself, in an attempt to save myself. Everyone was shocked I wasn't moving to Los Angeles - myself included. But given the path I was on that would have ended up in a Lindsay Lohan meets Amanda Bynes downward spiral. No, I needed someplace removed, someplace safe. A place that would force me to sit down at the table with all of my demons and get to know each and every one of them.
It would take 2 months from the time I moved for me to hit my rock bottom and finally decide it was time to climb upwards. It would take a few more before I fully understood all of the choices I had made. There is a line from a Florence and the Machine song - Cosmic Love - "the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out, you left me in in the dark, no dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight", it sums up perfectly how I felt the first 4-5 months. There was no one here, no one to tell me what happened next, no one to guide me left or right. Of course there were people reassuring me it would be okay, but it all sounds like white noise when you're in the dark with no map. Each night after yoga I would come home to my unfamiliar surroundings and I would bleed out my emotions. I would think about the decisions I had made and I finally let myself feel their effect - good and bad. I made a spreadsheet in which I am required to write down one good thing I do each day so that at the end of 1 year I see the happiness, the joy, I created for myself. The beginning days seemed daunting. Line 3 of 365 seems overwhelming...pointless, but I refused to give up. Eventually I was able to look at each line individually. I was able to look at the moment, the day, and focus on that. Eventually I was able to get lost in the anonymity of my new surroundings and find peace.
I danced with my demons and learned a lot about them and even more about myself. I learned that I am damaged, not in a way that makes me untouchable, but in a way that makes me intricately delicate. I am a girl wanting to feel love, to give love. It's no longer the kind of desperation that prevents me from living, it now inspires me, pushes me, drives me to be better, in hopes that I can receive better. I examined my relationships, the ones I had broken and the ones that had broke me and started mending those that I knew would suit me on my journey upwards. It doesn't matter if I have known someone 5 minutes or 15 years, if they are a good human and bring something positive to my life, they get to stay; if not then I have to let them go.
I watched a show about the life of a famous chef. He talks about running into an old friend he hadn't seen in years and the friend said "you don't like me anymore?". The chef responded, "no, it's not that, we just grew apart. We don't want the same things anymore. You went one way and I went another. I look back with fond memories on the time we shared but we are different people now." History doesn't determine loyalty. People change, feelings change, life changes...
-------------------
In 9 months a new life is created - truly. Today I'm leaving on the trip of a lifetime to Thailand. I will travel around; first in Bangkok, then take an overnight train to the north, and end up on the beaches of Phuket. Someone once said that travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. Turns out maybe I didn't need all that stuff, maybe my 9 x 11 square of carpet was the universe's way of reminding me of that. Just as the counter offer at my old job taught me - it's not about the money. Money doesn't buy happiness. Experiences, people, living - that's happiness. I get to take my new self to a new place; meet the people, try the food, get lost in the culture. Get lost in the experience. Just get lost.
Sometimes late at night I still stare up at the beams on the ceiling. But I no longer wonder if I made the right choice - I know I did. I know Ohio is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I no longer fixate on the past. I use it as a therapeutic release in my writing and a tool to perhaps help someone else. My life these days is spent looking forward - who will I meet, where will I go. It's spent enjoying the nights home alone, the time I get to sit in silence with the person I've become.
I wish I could give the 9 months ago version of me a hug. Tell her she is doing the right thing. Remind her that it's not about the place you live and the things you have it's about who you are, it's about being a better human. I would applaud her for her bravery, doing something that made everyone stare and scowl, something that no one envied, something that no one else wanted. I would tell her that her new life would look better than her old one ever did, that the flawed version of herself was far better than the facade that other people saw.
Is it possible to save something I never had to begin with? No, but it is possible to create it.
9 months for a new life - in my case, a better one.