One (errr…two) night in Bangkok….
One year ago today I was looking up at the stars at the McDonald Observatory in Ft. Davis, Texas. I was supposed to be looking at constellations, but my mind kept wandering, kept thinking. I had made the 8 hour road trip from Dallas to Marfa for the holiday weekend, continuing on another 2 hours to Big Bend National Park. My original idea was to go alone, I booked the hotels for two nights and planned to camp one. I borrowed camping gear from my ex - we were still speaking at that time - and he laughed at the irony that I never went camping when we were together, one of his favorite activities. I laughed because I didn't even really like camping and didn't know what the fuck I was doing, but was determined to prove I HAD THIS - this being life. I felt a solo camping trip would prove my independence, that people would look at me and think "wow, look at her, she's so brave going alone". That's the thing about bravery, if it's part of your goal, you just end up looking like an asshole.
A week before the trip I ended up asking my friend to go - yet another attempt at me trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. I still vividly remember the trip - the hotels, the outfits, the food, and the conversations….oh the conversations, me desperately trying to get him to be who I wanted, him desperately trying to cling to the parts of himself he needed. Two lost souls leaning on each other but knowing it just didn't feel right. I had the gut feeling then but no sense in paying attention to that. When I care for someone deeply it's hard to admit when it just isn't working, even harder to admit that a big reason for that is me. It would be the second time in one year I'd have this realization. Sometimes I wish there was a delete button for life.
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Today I'm staring up at the same stars, only in Bangkok, Thailand. There are no fireworks, but I'm no longer searching for anything, not the constellations, not answers, no this time I'm just looking up and enjoying the view.
It was a hot 99 degrees today. Sweltering by 3 pm, but really lovely at 8 am on our balcony. It has an incredible view of the river and the city, it's hard not to want to sit out there all day. Eventually we caught a boat - a popular means of transportation - down the main river to visit the Grand Palace, the official residence of the king until 1925 and still used for official events. Upon entering to get our tickets the guard stated "no shoulders, no knees", apparently my dress was great for the weather, but not for the sacred palace grounds. They have a place on site where you can borrow clothes. So I wrapped my loaner skirt and top around me and wondered how the Amish women do it. The palace was beautiful. It is made up of several buildings and a few you can go into, sans shoes - you leave them in a pile outside and hope they don't get stolen (they didn't). However, once I removed my shoes I nearly maimed 6 children trying to get inside and off the scorching hot pavement. Once inside no photography is allowed, in fact I saw a guard walk up to a kid who had taken a photo and watch as he deleted it. I had an immense amount of respect at the sacredness with which they hold this place. Not something found too often in America, if at all. I've been to the Sistine Chapel and didn't eve feel this amount of reverence being paid.
Eventually I got used to the loaner clothes, although not the layer of sweat beneath them, and two Asian women didn't seem to mind at all. They followed my mother and I around before finally asking for a photo - with us. First it was with the one friend, then the other, then the first friend got the second friends sunglasses and wanted more photos. They kept saying we were beautiful. I thought maybe it was the dress, then remembered I was more covered up than I'd been since winter, so perhaps they'd just never seen two Americans before. The Shakira moment was fun, although random, and I couldn't help but ask myself, "are they gonna frame that?"
This evening we ate at the #10 restaurant in the world and the #1 restaurant in Asia - Gaggan. It was an 8 course tasting menu, each course better than the last, each one more intriguing an interesting than the one before it. There was the sea bass made to look like charcoal, the mixture of nuts inside the edible plastic bag, the cherry chocolate bomb covered in "foil", the prawns hidden in coconut foam, and the mango ice cream encased in a coconut shell that when cracked open looked like a poached egg. I was in foodie heaven. The entire experience lasted two and a half hours. It was one of the best meals of my entire life. I recently joked with a friend about being incredibly pretentious for going to a 10 course tasting meal, on a Tuesday. "It's so ridiculous, no one ever gets full, and there are too many 'baby things' - baby quiche, baby quail". I would like to take this moment to apologize to him, I get it (although mine was on a Saturday and in Thailand so I somehow still maintain I'm more justified in mine). But who needs fireworks when you have liquid nitrogen.
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Serenity is an amazing feeling, one that's hard not to feel in a place like this, but one that not too long ago seemed so far out of reach. Turns out I didn't need a solo camping trip or for people to think I was brave, I just needed to trust my gut. Last night that gut feeling led me to pose topless on my balcony. For a second I wondered if I should post it, will people not like it? What will they think? What will they say? And the next second, I realized, I didn't even care. It's a back, a back I've spent countless hours strengthening in yoga.
No fireworks, but so much freedom. And my freedom seemed to inspire someone else's in the form of a private message dick pic to my instagram account.
Thank God for some things in life, there actually is a delete button.
Let freedom ring.
A week before the trip I ended up asking my friend to go - yet another attempt at me trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. I still vividly remember the trip - the hotels, the outfits, the food, and the conversations….oh the conversations, me desperately trying to get him to be who I wanted, him desperately trying to cling to the parts of himself he needed. Two lost souls leaning on each other but knowing it just didn't feel right. I had the gut feeling then but no sense in paying attention to that. When I care for someone deeply it's hard to admit when it just isn't working, even harder to admit that a big reason for that is me. It would be the second time in one year I'd have this realization. Sometimes I wish there was a delete button for life.
----------------
Today I'm staring up at the same stars, only in Bangkok, Thailand. There are no fireworks, but I'm no longer searching for anything, not the constellations, not answers, no this time I'm just looking up and enjoying the view.
It was a hot 99 degrees today. Sweltering by 3 pm, but really lovely at 8 am on our balcony. It has an incredible view of the river and the city, it's hard not to want to sit out there all day. Eventually we caught a boat - a popular means of transportation - down the main river to visit the Grand Palace, the official residence of the king until 1925 and still used for official events. Upon entering to get our tickets the guard stated "no shoulders, no knees", apparently my dress was great for the weather, but not for the sacred palace grounds. They have a place on site where you can borrow clothes. So I wrapped my loaner skirt and top around me and wondered how the Amish women do it. The palace was beautiful. It is made up of several buildings and a few you can go into, sans shoes - you leave them in a pile outside and hope they don't get stolen (they didn't). However, once I removed my shoes I nearly maimed 6 children trying to get inside and off the scorching hot pavement. Once inside no photography is allowed, in fact I saw a guard walk up to a kid who had taken a photo and watch as he deleted it. I had an immense amount of respect at the sacredness with which they hold this place. Not something found too often in America, if at all. I've been to the Sistine Chapel and didn't eve feel this amount of reverence being paid.
Serenity is an amazing feeling, one that's hard not to feel in a place like this, but one that not too long ago seemed so far out of reach. Turns out I didn't need a solo camping trip or for people to think I was brave, I just needed to trust my gut. Last night that gut feeling led me to pose topless on my balcony. For a second I wondered if I should post it, will people not like it? What will they think? What will they say? And the next second, I realized, I didn't even care. It's a back, a back I've spent countless hours strengthening in yoga.
No fireworks, but so much freedom. And my freedom seemed to inspire someone else's in the form of a private message dick pic to my instagram account.
Thank God for some things in life, there actually is a delete button.
Let freedom ring.