Hamstrings and Holding Space
"One day you'll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat. and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home." -r.m. drake
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This weekend I did a 3 day intensive yoga training. Friday night I gave it my all - my attention, my energy. Yesterday I felt the aches and pains but knew I could re-focus and stay present. Today as I hobbled in with sore glutes, tight hamstrings and arms that felt like jello, I knew the fatigue was wearing me down. Knowing I had 8 hours ahead of me I wasn't sure the mental games I would play to make it through. Halfway into the day and after some exhausting flows the teacher announced we would be doing a "holding space" exercise. Familiar with these types of things from my instructor training I assumed this would be no different. I was mainly just excited to be able to stand still for a few minutes.
The exercise was as follows - we counted off 1, 2, 1, 2 and so on. The people who were 1 made a circle in the center touching elbows and facing outwards. The people on the outside then had to go and stand in front of someone. We had to hold hands and make eye contact. We would do this exercise for 5 minutes and every 30 seconds we would all rotate to the right, thus holding hands with a new person. We were told we must maintain eye contact the entire time. The purpose of the exercise was simple: Be vulnerable. Let the person across from you see you - you see them - you both "hold space" for the other with no words.
I could feel my anxiety bubbling up. I considered keeping my eyes closed the entire time, but I reminded myself that this is why I was there - to push past my own comfort zone, to embrace the unfamiliar. The music started and I stared into the woman's eyes across from me. She was in her 50's. I wondered what her story was, what she had been through, what loss had she experienced? Next up was a man - early 40's. He had sad eyes, his hands were trembling. I squeezed them and gave a slight smile, wanting to reassure him that in that moment he wasn't alone, he smiled back. A girl in her mid 20's had a hard time making eye contact, she was nervous and fidgety, her own insecurities getting the best of her in this exercise. During the course of the song I touched the same person's hands 3 times. One woman on the second time around had tears streaming down her face, whatever her story was, it was playing on a loop in her head.
With each person who passed in front of me, each set of hands that touched mine, I noticed a shift in my own thoughts. I went from wondering about their story to feeling my own. I started to see the face of someone I love in each of their eyes. I felt like they could see that person in mine. I felt vulnerable. It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul - that should have been the name of the exercise. With no words being exchanged each one of us was getting to know the other, understanding that it didn't matter where we came from, our age, our jobs - we were all connected, we all had a story. The man with the trembling hands seemed slightly more at ease when I squeezed tight - even if it was only for 30 seconds.
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I have battled myself throughout my entire life. I've always been aware that those around me liked parts of me, not all. But I also rarely show all. I'm rarely willing to be vulnerable. It's a scary thing giving someone my hands and letting them look into my eyes and see who I really am. Especially when I've spent so much time trying to be someone else, someone not so complicated, so difficult, so impenetrable. Someone who tried to hide the bad parts.
This exercise today reminded me that over the past year I've taught myself how to "hold space" - allow the complicated and the difficult to come together, weave into the fabric of who I am. There's a lot of good, but with that, will always come the other parts. Sometimes my demons show up to the party and I know I didn't send in their RSVP. Some days are more trying than others and I know that will continue. But I no longer spend days thinking that if I just fixed that one thing then everything would be better - relationships, friendships. I know who my demons are - their names, their tendencies, their frequencies - they make up the complicated and unique individual I spent most of my life fighting against, but over the past year have grown to love.
Just as that yoga exercise reminded me, what's scary in the beginning, gets easier as time goes on. The unfamiliar and the unknown will always be places I willingly go too, deliberately placing myself in the uncomfortable situation in an attempt to learn more. Every person I made eye contact with today has a story, including my own. But sometimes it's not about telling it, it's about simply understanding it......
.........and sometimes it's not about squeezing someone else's hand, sometimes it's about squeezing your own.
------------
This weekend I did a 3 day intensive yoga training. Friday night I gave it my all - my attention, my energy. Yesterday I felt the aches and pains but knew I could re-focus and stay present. Today as I hobbled in with sore glutes, tight hamstrings and arms that felt like jello, I knew the fatigue was wearing me down. Knowing I had 8 hours ahead of me I wasn't sure the mental games I would play to make it through. Halfway into the day and after some exhausting flows the teacher announced we would be doing a "holding space" exercise. Familiar with these types of things from my instructor training I assumed this would be no different. I was mainly just excited to be able to stand still for a few minutes.
The exercise was as follows - we counted off 1, 2, 1, 2 and so on. The people who were 1 made a circle in the center touching elbows and facing outwards. The people on the outside then had to go and stand in front of someone. We had to hold hands and make eye contact. We would do this exercise for 5 minutes and every 30 seconds we would all rotate to the right, thus holding hands with a new person. We were told we must maintain eye contact the entire time. The purpose of the exercise was simple: Be vulnerable. Let the person across from you see you - you see them - you both "hold space" for the other with no words.
I could feel my anxiety bubbling up. I considered keeping my eyes closed the entire time, but I reminded myself that this is why I was there - to push past my own comfort zone, to embrace the unfamiliar. The music started and I stared into the woman's eyes across from me. She was in her 50's. I wondered what her story was, what she had been through, what loss had she experienced? Next up was a man - early 40's. He had sad eyes, his hands were trembling. I squeezed them and gave a slight smile, wanting to reassure him that in that moment he wasn't alone, he smiled back. A girl in her mid 20's had a hard time making eye contact, she was nervous and fidgety, her own insecurities getting the best of her in this exercise. During the course of the song I touched the same person's hands 3 times. One woman on the second time around had tears streaming down her face, whatever her story was, it was playing on a loop in her head.
With each person who passed in front of me, each set of hands that touched mine, I noticed a shift in my own thoughts. I went from wondering about their story to feeling my own. I started to see the face of someone I love in each of their eyes. I felt like they could see that person in mine. I felt vulnerable. It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul - that should have been the name of the exercise. With no words being exchanged each one of us was getting to know the other, understanding that it didn't matter where we came from, our age, our jobs - we were all connected, we all had a story. The man with the trembling hands seemed slightly more at ease when I squeezed tight - even if it was only for 30 seconds.
--------------
I have battled myself throughout my entire life. I've always been aware that those around me liked parts of me, not all. But I also rarely show all. I'm rarely willing to be vulnerable. It's a scary thing giving someone my hands and letting them look into my eyes and see who I really am. Especially when I've spent so much time trying to be someone else, someone not so complicated, so difficult, so impenetrable. Someone who tried to hide the bad parts.
This exercise today reminded me that over the past year I've taught myself how to "hold space" - allow the complicated and the difficult to come together, weave into the fabric of who I am. There's a lot of good, but with that, will always come the other parts. Sometimes my demons show up to the party and I know I didn't send in their RSVP. Some days are more trying than others and I know that will continue. But I no longer spend days thinking that if I just fixed that one thing then everything would be better - relationships, friendships. I know who my demons are - their names, their tendencies, their frequencies - they make up the complicated and unique individual I spent most of my life fighting against, but over the past year have grown to love.
Just as that yoga exercise reminded me, what's scary in the beginning, gets easier as time goes on. The unfamiliar and the unknown will always be places I willingly go too, deliberately placing myself in the uncomfortable situation in an attempt to learn more. Every person I made eye contact with today has a story, including my own. But sometimes it's not about telling it, it's about simply understanding it......
.........and sometimes it's not about squeezing someone else's hand, sometimes it's about squeezing your own.