Someone waits to die, while others wait to live
"If you're still unfulfilled after receiving what you wanted,
you're not aware of what you need."
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I found out last week that a friend of mine is dying. He has colon cancer. He had fought it before and won and when I heard it was back I assumed he'd fight it again. And he did....he was.....but the universe had a different end game for him this time. I contacted our close mutual friend, C. C told me he was with him in the hospital. Robbie had made peace with dying. He even posted on Facebook that he was ready to meet his maker, although he wasn't sure his maker was ready to meet him. Humor even in the face of the unknown. I made my friend promise to tell him he better haunt me and kick some serious ass on the other side.
C told me that months ago when Robbie started chemo again he sent him a picture puzzle. One of those fun things you receive, put together, hang somewhere, maybe occasionally look at. The picture? A photo of Robbie and him with me in the middle, taken on a happy St. Patty's day at a parade not far from my house. They had both made signs to raise to people walking by on the street: "Next", "Hot Bitch", "Fail", "No". A tangential person's version of American Idol. I'm not sure I stopped laughing that day. It was a happy day. That photo has hung on his fridge for 6 months. If I had known before it would have made me smile but the impact wouldn't have been nearly as great as it is today.
Amidst a time of uncertainty and unknown in my own life, this served as a sign. One night this past week was particularly hard. Another one of those snot on my face, sob on my kitchen floor, nights. I needed a sign - any sign - something - that I was on the right path. Then the picture happened. The details surrounding why are something I will keep to myself, but the message served as a way of reminding me that the universe has a way of giving me exactly what I need, when I need it - no sooner.
A great man waited to die while so many people wait to live - several of whom I know, one, who I used to be. Fear is a scary place to call home. I've used it as my address many times, but one thing the past few years have taught me is that once I push past, once I do the scary thing, I'm better off. There was a moment in my life when I had all that I wanted and then realized I had nothing that I needed. All of the successes in my life were leaving me unfulfilled. I burned down the life I had built only to build a better one - a more authentic one. Yes people got hurt, I got hurt, but once we all experienced the pain we found something better.
Maybe that's how Robbie has made peace with his own impending death, no more pain. People arrive at things in their own time. Be scared, and then keep going. Life is short. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Love hard. Fast. Often. I don't know what happens next, but I'm going to go towards it with open arms.
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Here's to you Robbie, I hope you haunt me one night and scare the hell out of me. I hope you were able to pass with a smile on your face. I hope you make everyone laugh on the other side.....just as you did on this one.
I've deliberately never posted a photo of anyone other than myself on this blog, but for this, this time, I'll do something different.....a sign - in the form of a picture puzzle.
--------------
I found out last week that a friend of mine is dying. He has colon cancer. He had fought it before and won and when I heard it was back I assumed he'd fight it again. And he did....he was.....but the universe had a different end game for him this time. I contacted our close mutual friend, C. C told me he was with him in the hospital. Robbie had made peace with dying. He even posted on Facebook that he was ready to meet his maker, although he wasn't sure his maker was ready to meet him. Humor even in the face of the unknown. I made my friend promise to tell him he better haunt me and kick some serious ass on the other side.
C told me that months ago when Robbie started chemo again he sent him a picture puzzle. One of those fun things you receive, put together, hang somewhere, maybe occasionally look at. The picture? A photo of Robbie and him with me in the middle, taken on a happy St. Patty's day at a parade not far from my house. They had both made signs to raise to people walking by on the street: "Next", "Hot Bitch", "Fail", "No". A tangential person's version of American Idol. I'm not sure I stopped laughing that day. It was a happy day. That photo has hung on his fridge for 6 months. If I had known before it would have made me smile but the impact wouldn't have been nearly as great as it is today.
Amidst a time of uncertainty and unknown in my own life, this served as a sign. One night this past week was particularly hard. Another one of those snot on my face, sob on my kitchen floor, nights. I needed a sign - any sign - something - that I was on the right path. Then the picture happened. The details surrounding why are something I will keep to myself, but the message served as a way of reminding me that the universe has a way of giving me exactly what I need, when I need it - no sooner.
A great man waited to die while so many people wait to live - several of whom I know, one, who I used to be. Fear is a scary place to call home. I've used it as my address many times, but one thing the past few years have taught me is that once I push past, once I do the scary thing, I'm better off. There was a moment in my life when I had all that I wanted and then realized I had nothing that I needed. All of the successes in my life were leaving me unfulfilled. I burned down the life I had built only to build a better one - a more authentic one. Yes people got hurt, I got hurt, but once we all experienced the pain we found something better.
Maybe that's how Robbie has made peace with his own impending death, no more pain. People arrive at things in their own time. Be scared, and then keep going. Life is short. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Love hard. Fast. Often. I don't know what happens next, but I'm going to go towards it with open arms.
-----------
Here's to you Robbie, I hope you haunt me one night and scare the hell out of me. I hope you were able to pass with a smile on your face. I hope you make everyone laugh on the other side.....just as you did on this one.
I've deliberately never posted a photo of anyone other than myself on this blog, but for this, this time, I'll do something different.....a sign - in the form of a picture puzzle.
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| At least I got "hot bitch" |
Rest in Peace Robbie.