Should old acquaintances be forgotten, and never brought to mind? #auldlangsyne
My boyfriend and I agreed he would move out 2 weeks before Christmas. We would sit together in our living room on the sofa. The tree we had decorated weeks earlier stood in the corner. The decorations filled the room. The happiest time of the year. Who ends a relationship at the happiest time of the year?
A few weeks earlier at a friends birthday party I got out of control - too much drinking, too much everything. I'm not even sure if he and I spoke that night, it's irritating that I can't remember such an obvious fact, but that probably means we didn't. I remember how unhappy I was, but how happy I was trying to pretend to be. I remember when we got home and I started a fight. I remember the look of sheer exhaustion on his face. I was killing him. Sad and overwhelmed I knew I was nearing the end of the rope, I knew we both were. How much longer could we keep doing this to each other? How much longer could I keep doing this to him?
Two weeks. There we sat amidst red and green and soft twinkling white lights as we discussed where he would move - into a room in a friends house, when he would leave - mid Jan, and what it would look like for the two of us. We had to discuss finances - he would continue to pay a portion of the rent for the house and the mail - it would continue to come to the house and I would drop it off each week or he would stop by. We decided he would move out the weekend I went to visit my sister, who at that time lived in Denver.
We decided we would keep our New Year's Eve plans with friends. We made sure to tell them - separately - what was happening beforehand. Everyone was lighthearted and understanding. It might have been one of the best NYE we ever had. Our friends told us how happy we looked, even he commented that I was nicer to him than I'd been in months. We both acknowledged how great we were interacting. At midnight we kissed. It was the perfect night for an imperfect couple about to embark on separate paths.
He would move out two weeks later. He would never again sleep in my bed, we would never again share a midnight kiss. A perfect night doesn't create a perfect life. Some would question our decision to part ways based off of that night. But we were so good that night and in the weeks after because we were free. There was no more pretending. There was no more "trying to make it work". We both had waved the white flag and were free to just be who we were. We could each have fun, we could have fun together, we could laugh and smile and use our shared history to be able to share a look and know what the other was thinking. I knew his drink preferences, he knew the look I had when I was annoyed with people. We played off each other really well. We just didn't play each other up really well.
We could have used NYE as a reason to give it "one more try" - oh look at us! We're laughing and smiling and having a great time! But our heart wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in it. I loved him. I had love for him, but I was no longer in love with him. I couldn't see past that one night. What happens next? We made the right choice. But we got one final night. One night of laughter and love. One night with our friends. One final night as "us" before we became "them".
Who ends a relationship at the happiest time of the year? People who aren't happy.
It's hard to believe it was nearly two years ago that he and I sat on that sofa. I have a friend who recently started his own journey of self discovery and is currently at the crossroads marked "in or out". I've distanced myself a lot from the pain of 2 years ago, so much so that at times it's hard for me to be empathetic, but I'm reminded that the decision to end something meaningful is excruciatingly difficult. It's painful and hard and in the end the decision can only be your own. There is no life manual stating "do this and then this will happen", it's a minefield of gut instincts and impulse decisions. It's hard and complicated, but the only way out is in and it's not always as horrific as you think.
As I sat talking to my friend I thought about that New Year's Eve, the one that was to be the final chapter in my ex and I's story. The one where we looked so happy, not because we were together, but because we were separate. We played off each other really well. We just didn't play each other up really well. When life got tough we pushed and pulled and poked and prodded until the thing we hated most was just each other. But once we acknowledged that we weren't the best fit for each other, that this wasn't in fact working, that there was nothing to "fix", we were free just to love each other. We were free to stop fighting the other and just enjoy the good parts. We were free to just ring in the new year as the caring individuals we had started out 5 years prior.
People want to be someone else when the clock strikes midnight, but what if you get to just be you? The authentic, truest, happiest version of who you are? I found once that happened, I didn't really care who I kissed, because I was free. Nearly two years ago as one year rolled into the next I let go of someone, hand in hand, arm in arm, kiss to kiss....we let each other go.
Sometimes it isn't about "fixing", it's about choosing. We chose each other, but not us. That made us happy. That turned out to be our happiest time of the year.
Sometimes the end truly is the beginning.
A few weeks earlier at a friends birthday party I got out of control - too much drinking, too much everything. I'm not even sure if he and I spoke that night, it's irritating that I can't remember such an obvious fact, but that probably means we didn't. I remember how unhappy I was, but how happy I was trying to pretend to be. I remember when we got home and I started a fight. I remember the look of sheer exhaustion on his face. I was killing him. Sad and overwhelmed I knew I was nearing the end of the rope, I knew we both were. How much longer could we keep doing this to each other? How much longer could I keep doing this to him?
Two weeks. There we sat amidst red and green and soft twinkling white lights as we discussed where he would move - into a room in a friends house, when he would leave - mid Jan, and what it would look like for the two of us. We had to discuss finances - he would continue to pay a portion of the rent for the house and the mail - it would continue to come to the house and I would drop it off each week or he would stop by. We decided he would move out the weekend I went to visit my sister, who at that time lived in Denver.
We decided we would keep our New Year's Eve plans with friends. We made sure to tell them - separately - what was happening beforehand. Everyone was lighthearted and understanding. It might have been one of the best NYE we ever had. Our friends told us how happy we looked, even he commented that I was nicer to him than I'd been in months. We both acknowledged how great we were interacting. At midnight we kissed. It was the perfect night for an imperfect couple about to embark on separate paths.
He would move out two weeks later. He would never again sleep in my bed, we would never again share a midnight kiss. A perfect night doesn't create a perfect life. Some would question our decision to part ways based off of that night. But we were so good that night and in the weeks after because we were free. There was no more pretending. There was no more "trying to make it work". We both had waved the white flag and were free to just be who we were. We could each have fun, we could have fun together, we could laugh and smile and use our shared history to be able to share a look and know what the other was thinking. I knew his drink preferences, he knew the look I had when I was annoyed with people. We played off each other really well. We just didn't play each other up really well.
We could have used NYE as a reason to give it "one more try" - oh look at us! We're laughing and smiling and having a great time! But our heart wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in it. I loved him. I had love for him, but I was no longer in love with him. I couldn't see past that one night. What happens next? We made the right choice. But we got one final night. One night of laughter and love. One night with our friends. One final night as "us" before we became "them".
Who ends a relationship at the happiest time of the year? People who aren't happy.
It's hard to believe it was nearly two years ago that he and I sat on that sofa. I have a friend who recently started his own journey of self discovery and is currently at the crossroads marked "in or out". I've distanced myself a lot from the pain of 2 years ago, so much so that at times it's hard for me to be empathetic, but I'm reminded that the decision to end something meaningful is excruciatingly difficult. It's painful and hard and in the end the decision can only be your own. There is no life manual stating "do this and then this will happen", it's a minefield of gut instincts and impulse decisions. It's hard and complicated, but the only way out is in and it's not always as horrific as you think.
As I sat talking to my friend I thought about that New Year's Eve, the one that was to be the final chapter in my ex and I's story. The one where we looked so happy, not because we were together, but because we were separate. We played off each other really well. We just didn't play each other up really well. When life got tough we pushed and pulled and poked and prodded until the thing we hated most was just each other. But once we acknowledged that we weren't the best fit for each other, that this wasn't in fact working, that there was nothing to "fix", we were free just to love each other. We were free to stop fighting the other and just enjoy the good parts. We were free to just ring in the new year as the caring individuals we had started out 5 years prior.
People want to be someone else when the clock strikes midnight, but what if you get to just be you? The authentic, truest, happiest version of who you are? I found once that happened, I didn't really care who I kissed, because I was free. Nearly two years ago as one year rolled into the next I let go of someone, hand in hand, arm in arm, kiss to kiss....we let each other go.
Sometimes it isn't about "fixing", it's about choosing. We chose each other, but not us. That made us happy. That turned out to be our happiest time of the year.
Sometimes the end truly is the beginning.