30 Years Young - a Happy Birthday post

Inhale the salt air.

Exhale the past. 

Inhale the present. 

Exhale the future. 

Today is my birthday. Today I am 30. How does it feel? Except for the location, not that different than yesterday.  Today isn't the start of a new beginning - that's already in progress. It isn't the day I'll promise myself to start doing this or that.  Instead, today is the day I will just be present. Right now it's quiet, calm, the ocean calls, the stream of waves playing as my own private meditation. Soon my girlfriends will arrive, their energy will change mine, their vacation eurphoria will fuel my own.  But this moment, this feeling, this is what I've waited years for, this is what I never knew 30 would look like - how could I?

For my 27th birthday I had a party, I looked beautiful, friends came, I wore a short black dress.  My boyfriend hugged me. I smiled. Inside, I cried. The life I had wasn't the one I wanted, but I was determined to hold on. At 28 I had two parties, wore two different dresses, the guy I was dating hugged me. I smiled. Inside I felt uneasy, anxious, outside of myself.  The life I had let go of was never far from my thoughts.  At 29 I had no party, just a quiet dinner with new friends.  No hugging, not as much smiling. My outside reflecting my insides this time. Today for my 30th there will be lots of hugs. I already got to wake up to my mom's arms around me and the ocean breeze enveloping my body.  There will be so many smiles, so much laughing.  Today my insides reflect my outward demeanor, but unlike at 29, today I am calm, content, confident, and happy.  

 I can't be with my boyfriend today (his job has him in Arizona at the moment), however, even if he were in town I would still be doing exactly the same thing.  I've been wanting this for years and planning it for 6 months. And now I'll say the thing no one is supposed to say, it's about me. This day, this moment, this is my moment. This is a celebration after years of sadness and confusion, anxiety and depression, ups and down. This is a celebration of a woman I knew was there, but wasn't sure I'd find.   This is a celebration of the strong women who surround me and who have been there for me throughout my three decades of life. This is a celebration of my mother, without whom none of this would matter or have been achieved.

I have a lot of exciting things coming up on the horizon, but today, today I'm going to try and stay in the moment. Here, with these people. My loyal friends, my devoted mother, my (not present but still in my thoughts) incredible boyfriend, my strong body that has endured all I've put her through - these are my presents. And this year I get something even better than a party - I get a beautiful life.   

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

Inhale the new.

Exhale the old.

This life. As it is. Right now.  

Happy 30th birthday.