the next chapter
My greatest fear is having a life wasted. I read that Russian people look at their life from their deathbed, a bit morbid, but I understood. I want my tombstone to read "she lived". I strive to make decisions that will push me to be the best version of myself. It has been 10 years since I graduated college, 10 years of creating life experiences, in preparation for my next one - graduate school. In the fall I'll be heading back into the classroom to get my master's in nutrition.
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A girl said to me the other day "no offense, but I don't want to be your age and going back to school again". I laughed. She is 25, still believing there is a race. Perhaps a race to get it in all before 30. A race to "figure it out". I informed her just because I'm getting another degree doesn't mean I have anything figured out, it means I'm moving forward, in a way that makes sense for me. I graduated college a semester early thinking I would go to grad school. But other than throwing a dart at a board or getting the standard MBA I had zero clue what I would be doing there. It was an idea that lingered in the back of my mind, but it was never something I needed.
It takes me awhile to figure out my plan. But once I decide, I move fast. Very fast. I researched a school on a Friday, sent off for an information packet and then realized the deadline for fall admission was one week away. I said to hell with the packet and started the admissions process. I had late night phone calls with my mom gathering transcript information, emails to my previous college, a last minute visit with an admissions counselor, and tons of checklists. I had two essay's to write. I sent nightly drafts to my former lawyer boyfriend. Each time met with a polite "no, try again". I should point out it was the first full week he was back at work (now a wild lands firefighter) and not home so my emotions were high. I cried everyday from the stress. I slept roughly 3 hours a night. I was consumed. I submitted my application 2 hours before the deadline. I then sobbed. Snot on my face, sobbed.
It sounds dramatic. Honestly, it felt dramatic. I spent the following weeks researching the school and the cost. I filled out a FAFSA, I made spreadsheets on anticipated student loans and my future repayment plan. My impulsive choices are always met with my type A pragmatic side. I was missing two required pre-req classes, Biology and Chemistry. The admissions counselor told me it would be beneficial if I was at least enrolled for one beginning in the spring semester, which started one week after my meeting with her.
My relief at having finished my grad school application was immediately met with the stress of trying to enroll for a spring class at a community college. I emailed, I called, I stalked. All classes were full, so I emailed the teacher. She informed me students can drop out after the first week. So I showed up the first night of class, my name not on the roster. I had no book, no notebook, not even a pen (that's just stupid). I believed I would get in. I accepted that if I didn't then perhaps I should let go of the grad school plan, that it wasn't meant to be. I got in. I also got a book, and a pen.
It's strange being a student after a decade. However, as much as everything is different, it's also very much the same. I study, I write papers, I have assignments, I procrastinate (ie: this blog post, when I should be doing homework). I've made a couple of friends, one guy has been working on his associate's degree for 15 years, another just had a baby and wants to complete his degree for his kid. Everyone is on their own path and for four hours every Thursday night, we come together for a common purpose.
I am not the type of person who makes 5 and 10 year goals. Where I end up isn't a priority for me. I care more about the journey. I care that I'm living an authentic life. I care that I'm continuously challenging myself to be better, to do better. People ask what I want to do when I graduate. I have a response, I have ideas. I don't have it figured out. But I know I will figure it out. I have intentionally ended up nowhere I intended to be.
I'm currently deciding whether to graduate in one year or two. I will update everyone along the way. Now that I'm no longer snot sobbing at night I have more time for fun things. Going to grad school wasn't on my bucket list. I don't believe it's necessary for people. I think life experience is best created outside of the classroom. I am going because it's an extension of who I am now. I am going because I know it's right. The money and the time are now worth it.
I make big changes and fast decisions knowing I don't want to have a life wasted. It's scary and nerve-wracking, but it's my process. I don't believe in waiting until next month or next year to make a choice, executing the choice definitely takes time, but making it can be quick. I don't pray at night or read a daily intention, but I do ask myself one question, "if tomorrow is a gift I do not receive, was today enough?". The answer isn't always yes, but it's a good lens for when I get up the next morning and try again.
It's not a race. At least not against anyone but myself. And while I will no longer be working in fashion, I assure you the fashion girl still lives. The other night I spent hours researching attractive book bags. I can put my notebook and pens in it........
........now that I've remembered I need those.