How the F**k do you get to Oz?!?!

When my ex boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook I cried. People texted, "are you ok?!", I got to see who commented, who liked it, which friends went his way, which went mine. But really I cried because he had just publicly declared he didn't need me anymore. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED?!? I needed to get a grip. On reality? This was my reality. And believe me, I was gripping hard, especially to the kleenex box.

"I'm confused why you're upset, aren't you the one who wanted this breakup?" asked a friend of mine months earlier. Correct. BUT HE'S STILL SUPPOSED TO WANT ME.  I expected him to continue to want me. What I got was unanswered texts, unreturned phone calls, and given he still had a key to our house he could show up when he wanted, however, this did not work in reverse (pretty sure I would have been better received if I'd just broken into the neighbors house).

Since I could no longer grip onto him, I just gripped onto anything in my path.  Unfortunately for a few people closest to me, that meant them.  I think they became so used to my tears they were more shocked if I didn't have black streaks down my face. This is a good opportunity to point out that waterproof mascara is a lie. I left a trail of tears around the DFW area. I was the one who wanted the breakup, I was the one who pushed for it, I was the one who had him pack his things and move out, and I was the one who put zero thought into what happens next. I stopped moving. I was in my own pity party and I was the only one who RSVP'd - despite me trying to bring people along for the ride - I PROMISE IT'LL BE FUUUUN.

I was definitely going to figure this out. I had this. GOT THIS. Hmm, maybe tomorrow....Hours turned to days which turned to weeks which turned to months.....My ex got a new girlfriend. I got excited for the end of a day because it meant I was one day closer to....ummm...oh right, going to figure that out tomorrow.

I tried any means of distractions. Happy hours with friends, those are fun! - who doesn't like wine and cheese. A close friend of mine was on his own path of self discovery - oh! I'll tag along, sure I can help, offer insite, fix things.  I took yoga classes - let me do just one more chatarunga, I know that'll make everything better! Well turns out wine and cheese is great - in small doses, in large you just end up with a headache and needing elastic waistband pants. My friend, well he needs to walk that the yellow brick road alone, and let's be honest, I have zero idea where that wizard is. And a chatarunga is really just a pushup when thoughts of "what am I going to have for dinner" are swirling in your head.

It would take months, more tears, a 2000 mile move, and a trip to the ocean before I finally got this.  There were casualties along my warpath, but those who mattered stayed and those who stayed matter. I wish I could have figured things out sooner, in a nicer, simpler way. But I'm not a simple person. That was never going to happen.  I am stubborn and difficult and learn best the hard way.

My ex and I have both moved on.  We talk occasionally.  He's doing really well and I'm really happy for him. But this time, I'm also doing really well. This past weekend I attended a 1 year anniversary party for a local juice bar with a friend. She and I even had a cheese plate beforehand. Other than that I spent the entire weekend alone. I did a lot of yoga - even chatarungas, but this time, they were more than just a pushup.

Now I can only walk the line so long before I absolutely must jump over.  I'm already wondering if I can skinny dip in the San Francisco bay, how cold is it really? What are my chances of getting arrested?  But out of all the things I'm going to pack, I think I can leave the kleenex at home.......