Stepford Wife'ing - one nod at a time

"Are you two from San Francisco?"
No. SAY NO. Say "he lives here and I'm visiting from Ohio". Say it. Nope...no...not saying it....Oh he's talking now? Whew ok. Didn't have to say it.


"Where do you all live?"
Say O-HI-O. Columbus. I live in Ohio and I'm visiting him. SAY IT. No.....maybe in a minute...oh he's talking now? Whew ok.

Two questions out of countless that have been asked over the past 6 months. The result always the same - me channeling my inner Stepford wife - nod and smile and hope the other persons words drown out my deafening silence. The answer replaying in my head on a loop, "HEY, I hit the reset button on my life and I'm headed...well...yah...not sure! I'll get back to you..in the meantime fuck off and don't ask me questions." No, that answer is a bit long and slightly frowned upon. So why can't I simply say "I live in Ohio"?  Afterall, the other person would nod and smile and move on about their day. They don't need an explanation, they don't really even care. I'm the one who cares. I'm the one who is psychoanalyzing the question as if they've just asked me the meaning of life. 

When I was a kid people would ask the standard question of where we were from and I was always the first one to shout "OKLAHOMA!". I have no idea why, but I had an immense amount of pride about being from there (still do). I thought it was intriguing that these people from the middle of the US made it all the way to Ireland and Hawaii and wherever else we ended up. 

Since I was so happy to announce I was from Oklahoma you can bet I was elated when my next move landed me in New York City.  That response always garnered oohs and aahs from people.  What's it like? What do you do? You really live there? When I left it wasn't without sadness but I was so excited to be moving to Texas, be closer to family, get a car, have a "big girl" job, be able to afford milk - it helped to diminish the doleful thoughts.

In Texas I built a life. There were the restaurants I would order the same thing and find comfort in the consistency. There were the bartenders that knew the drink I wanted before I even ordered it (tequila, water, and lime).  The yoga studio that was a second home, the people within it - family.  The roads I could drive with my eyes closed (please note: didn't; could have). I had a career. I got promoted. I fell in love. I overcame an eating disorder. I became a yoga instructor. I became me. It's for this reason that when I packed up the Uhaul and looked around at my empty house I collapsed into the arms of a friend. I sobbed into his shoulder asking him if I was doing the right thing. "This will all be okay right?" In that moment I truly had no idea what the fuck I was doing. It was the first time in my life I wasn't moving towards a place, I was moving away from one.  I didn't really want to leave, I just knew I couldn't stay. 

That was nearly 6 months ago. Columbus is a great city. They have amazing food and concerts. The people are some of the nicest I've ever met, a few will be lifelong friends.  However, I've gotten something else out of this.. Ohio gave me space, space to think, space to stop moving. It allowed the hamster wheel in my head to slow down, to recharge. It's enabled me to once again get a full nights sleep. It's pushed me back into a full time yoga practice. It's given me hours to cook and create. It's given me 30 second dance parties on pant-less Sunday's (real thing; solo activity).  It reminded me of the joy that comes with reading a book and sitting on a rooftop. And while it also reminded me that I hate winter, it made me appreciate the sunlight more than I ever have. 

6 months ago I hit the reset button on my life.

I currently live in Columbus, Ohio.

I love yoga, cooking, and traveling...and writing this blog.

I still have no idea where the fuck I am headed.

But just as winter ended and the sun has finally come back out....I know it will all be okay, I will be okay.

....I already am.