Holding Space
“I have strep throat.”
-“OMGGG
are you contagious?”
-“DON’T
GET ME SICK”
-“You
have to get better, we have plans next week.”
-“I
knew it. Told you so.”
-“Will
you be back at work tomorrow?”
-“Oh I
had strep…lemme tell you about it.”
The above are responses I received this past week when informing
people I was sick and headed home. I only got a few “go home and let me know if you need anything” responses.
There isn't malice behind the
above statements – some were said by close friends - it's just people's initial reaction to want to connect with what's happening, they want to put themselves into your story and make it their own.
----------------
One of the first exercises we did in my yoga teacher training was called "holding space". We had to pick a partner and sit across from them - knees touching. We were told we had 2 minutes to recount a pivotal story in our childhood. I rolled my eyes. I DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON, I'M NOT TALKING TO THEM. The girl across from me was nice, but this was early on in training and I wasn't interested in cracking my heart open to the unknown. It's only in recent years that I've started opening up to my friends about things that have happened to me in my life so telling a stranger....and in TWO MINUTES - not interested. After my pouting episode was over I realized I was going to have to suck it up. I'd paid for this after all. I damn well better at least try.
We were told as the person told us their story we weren't allowed to make any facial expressions , we couldn't reach out, we couldn't comment. We had to simply sit and listen and not break eye contact. WEIRD. I settled on the story of my father walking out on me 2 months before my 16th birthday. I told my 2 minute version. WHEW. That's over. Not so fast.....The teacher then informed us we had to do it again. Tell the same story only this time state the facts, don't try and paint the person in the story as we see them, but tell the factual story. Second time didn't feel as weird.
The purpose of the exercise was two fold. For the person speaking it was about telling their story without bringing the listener into it. It was about not trying to get a cohort for the experience you had and the way you perceived it. Often times when we tell someone something it's to get them on our side. Most of us do this on a daily basis. How often have we told our friends "omg that girl did this one thing to me this one time and now I don't like her...we don't like her" and in true female solidarity everyone bands together to hate this one girl for this one thing that no one was ever even apart of and most won't even remember, they'll just remember they're supposed to hate her.
It was interesting to recant such a powerful moment in my life to someone without trying to vilify my father, without trying to evoke sympathy for the events that transpired. Instead it was about telling the story in a way that the other person would understand something that had happened to me, something that by the facts alone gives way to the years of sadness and pain. I didn't need all the excess adjectives. I didn't really even need more than 2 minutes.
The other part of the exercise affected the listener. No responding, no touching, no trying to make the other person feel better. We simply had to "hold space" for the talker to tell their story uninterrupted. I listened as my partner told her story, never breaking eye contact. Her story had to do with an eating disorder, my first thought in her first round of telling was to say OMG I CAN RELATE but I couldn't. Instead I sat there and let her tell what happened to her. I'm not even sure I ever told her I had an eating disorder. This was her story, not mine.
Often times when people tell us something about them our first reaction is to want to connect to it, to put ourselves into it - a way to relate to them. There are instances where relating is good, however, not in the moment. In the moment it's good to just listen. It's necessary to just listen.
That lesson that I thought was so weird, turned out to not be weird at all. It actually turned out to be something imperative to all of my relationships. If someone tells me about issues at work, at home, a random story about a random thing I try and let them have their moment, let them have their story. If they don't ask for my advice, I try and not give it. The reality is I don't know if "it'll all be okay" or "everything happens for a reason". These are things I believe for myself, but honestly never make me feel better if someone else says them.
Sometimes - often times - people just want someone to listen, they just want someone to "hold space". No commentary. No reassurance. Just uninterrupted time.
---------------
As for me and my strep throat - yes, of course I was contagious. Yes, I obviously want to get better by next week. You "knew it"? Then perhaps you should have gone to med school or become a psychic. And lastly, no I don't care that you had strep throat last year, last month, last decade. Unless you're offering me a cough drop to ease the pain of feeling like I'm swallowing glass, kindly just leave your comments to yourself.
Thank you for listening.
----------------
One of the first exercises we did in my yoga teacher training was called "holding space". We had to pick a partner and sit across from them - knees touching. We were told we had 2 minutes to recount a pivotal story in our childhood. I rolled my eyes. I DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON, I'M NOT TALKING TO THEM. The girl across from me was nice, but this was early on in training and I wasn't interested in cracking my heart open to the unknown. It's only in recent years that I've started opening up to my friends about things that have happened to me in my life so telling a stranger....and in TWO MINUTES - not interested. After my pouting episode was over I realized I was going to have to suck it up. I'd paid for this after all. I damn well better at least try.
We were told as the person told us their story we weren't allowed to make any facial expressions , we couldn't reach out, we couldn't comment. We had to simply sit and listen and not break eye contact. WEIRD. I settled on the story of my father walking out on me 2 months before my 16th birthday. I told my 2 minute version. WHEW. That's over. Not so fast.....The teacher then informed us we had to do it again. Tell the same story only this time state the facts, don't try and paint the person in the story as we see them, but tell the factual story. Second time didn't feel as weird.
The purpose of the exercise was two fold. For the person speaking it was about telling their story without bringing the listener into it. It was about not trying to get a cohort for the experience you had and the way you perceived it. Often times when we tell someone something it's to get them on our side. Most of us do this on a daily basis. How often have we told our friends "omg that girl did this one thing to me this one time and now I don't like her...we don't like her" and in true female solidarity everyone bands together to hate this one girl for this one thing that no one was ever even apart of and most won't even remember, they'll just remember they're supposed to hate her.
It was interesting to recant such a powerful moment in my life to someone without trying to vilify my father, without trying to evoke sympathy for the events that transpired. Instead it was about telling the story in a way that the other person would understand something that had happened to me, something that by the facts alone gives way to the years of sadness and pain. I didn't need all the excess adjectives. I didn't really even need more than 2 minutes.
The other part of the exercise affected the listener. No responding, no touching, no trying to make the other person feel better. We simply had to "hold space" for the talker to tell their story uninterrupted. I listened as my partner told her story, never breaking eye contact. Her story had to do with an eating disorder, my first thought in her first round of telling was to say OMG I CAN RELATE but I couldn't. Instead I sat there and let her tell what happened to her. I'm not even sure I ever told her I had an eating disorder. This was her story, not mine.
Often times when people tell us something about them our first reaction is to want to connect to it, to put ourselves into it - a way to relate to them. There are instances where relating is good, however, not in the moment. In the moment it's good to just listen. It's necessary to just listen.
That lesson that I thought was so weird, turned out to not be weird at all. It actually turned out to be something imperative to all of my relationships. If someone tells me about issues at work, at home, a random story about a random thing I try and let them have their moment, let them have their story. If they don't ask for my advice, I try and not give it. The reality is I don't know if "it'll all be okay" or "everything happens for a reason". These are things I believe for myself, but honestly never make me feel better if someone else says them.
Sometimes - often times - people just want someone to listen, they just want someone to "hold space". No commentary. No reassurance. Just uninterrupted time.
---------------
As for me and my strep throat - yes, of course I was contagious. Yes, I obviously want to get better by next week. You "knew it"? Then perhaps you should have gone to med school or become a psychic. And lastly, no I don't care that you had strep throat last year, last month, last decade. Unless you're offering me a cough drop to ease the pain of feeling like I'm swallowing glass, kindly just leave your comments to yourself.
Thank you for listening.